This is stupid. "Oh are you an only child?" Writing is supposed to be more meaningful than this. Ugh I sighed. The window and behind me is cold. I'm getting goosebumbs. Where did the name come from?
I sit and look around at all the people socializing and having a great time at lunch. The reflection of the sun is in my wind. It looks really cool.
I like his shirt. I wonder what he is thinking about. Avoiding eye contact is something all students should be good at, at least the college ones. Goodbye I have to pray.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Nicasia and the Challenge
Darkness engulfed me. The clouds were closing
in and I couldn't escape. I was running as fast I could to beat it. I had to
beat the force behind me. My will was propelling me forward; faster than I had
ever ran before. Time was running out. I was going to be l...Finally the light
I was running towards shined like the silver on a freshly shined gun and
blinded me. I shut my eyes to it and the dark clouds were chased away. The
light didn't go away. Instead it pierced the safety of my closed eyelids and
forced me to do the one thing I dreaded: wake up.
God must have been sending me a message to
wake up because my alarm clock was three minutes away from waking me up myself.
On any normal day I would have happily stayed in bed, but there was no way that
was going to happen today. It was the day of the Challenge. I had prepared for
this my whole life, and I needed to get it right or I'd have to search for
another job. To sum it up briefly, the Challenge was a test I had to pass in order
to become what I had always wanted: to protect the princess of the kingdom and
become her personal guard. The Challenge was designed to make you fail in
essence you had to locate your charge amid tons of chaos. For the past 18 years
I had been preparing for this, and I didn't want to waste another moment.
My heart was beating fast, the anxiety
building already. One hot shower later and the anxiety had dulled to
butterflies in my stomach. I pulled on a kimono style blue dress that could
transform into a long blue shirt with leggings at the pull of a string. My
converse completed the outfit and I was ready.
The apartment was quiet as I ate a full
breakfast of scrambled eggs and chai tea. I grabbed a banana and my purse,
although if history repeated itself one of them would end up in the trashcan,
and walked downstairs.
Normally all I would have to do was walk
downstairs to meet my charge, but as a special day I had been relocated so they
could design the test without me accidentally overhearing or getting any other
clue. I walked out to the stables and heard my horse before I saw her. Gwen had
a beautiful brown coat and white mane. I hadn't liked it at first, and thought
her too mainstream and like too many other horses, but she was unique and had a
sass that matched her rider. She had served me well.
"Are you ready Gwen? After today
everything changes." I muttered as I gently petted her side. In response
she snorted. I could have rode her bareback, but it was a special day so I
picked out the brightest saddle and attached it to her. With a swing of my leg
and a throw of a banana, we were on our way.
Fortunately, it didn't take long for us to
arrive at the castle. It was large and intimidating but home. Like the
princess, I had lived in the stunning Persisian style castle since birth. I
pulled Gwen to a stop outside of the gates and dismounted. A small figure came
through the front doors and let me inside the gates. She was the evaluator and
administrator of the Challenge. If her height wasn't intimidating, her look
was: an expression that said "regardless of how you do, I will be
eternally pissed off." I smiled hoping to prove her wrong, but she didn't
return my smile.
"Take your horse to the stables, then
report to the arena." With that, she turned and left.
The arena...ok. After putting Gwen in an
empty stable at the back of the castle, I went to find the arena she had talked
about. My father said that it was similar to what a mobile home had been a few
hundred years ago; it was brought in every time a new recruit was ready to
transition to become a royal guard and it was never the same twice. My father
said his test had included part of the ocean, and according to him my mother's
had involved the jungle. I only hoped that mine wouldn't be too hard.
I took a right and followed the castle walls
until I saw a huge building at least seven stories tall. It was circular and
had windows near the top every three or four feet. The doors, which looked like
ordinary oak doors lay straight ahead. I stopped walking when my feet were
inches from the door. My hands shook a little with anticipation and fear as I
took a deep breath. I had been trained not to react to things like this, but I
would allow myself to do it this one time. This was of course the most
important test of my life. Another unsettling breath and I opened the
door.
The antechamber was simple. Everything was
tan including the man in the room and the desk he sat at. It was supposed to be
calming, but it felt more claustrophobic. I was in a tan box that was going to
squish me. The only thing that wasn’t tan was the evaluator who had been
standing against the wall.
“Your Challenge is about to begin. This is
the last time you will see me today, unless by some slim chance you pass. The
first step of your test involves a race. The rest you will find when you come
upon it. Remember you are the only one testing, but there will be others
present. You have a minute to ready yourself before you must enter the arena.”
She waved her hand and a door appeared at the back of chamber. “Good luck.”
I didn’t need a minute. I took one last deep
breath and swung the door open. The first and only color I saw was green. It
was a spring green and once my eyes adjusted to the outside light, I could tell
that it was the leaves on birch trees. The trees lined a dirt track where seven
other people were lining up at a makeshift start line. Behind me the room had
disappeared. I lined up behind one person and to the left of another. Eight
people in lines of three; not even! my head screamed. Focus, I yelled back. A sound that I
couldn’t place, similar to a motor starting but more electronic, sent us on our
way. Running wasn’t something I was particularly good at, but I easily pulled
in front of a large group. A few were in front of me and as the minutes passed
by the group at the back grew more clumped and the two in front of me fought
for first place. I wasn’t worried, for speed could only take you so far in this
test. In order to succeed you needed to be well rounded. Luckily that was something I was good at. Soon the
two people in front came to a stop in front of a hedge with an opening barely
big enough for one person. Once I got to this point, it was stop and go, stop
and go in a dark passageway. I could have become annoyed, but I couldn’t allow
myself to do that. I had to keep a level head for the sake of the princess.
Fifteen minutes passed and eventually the hedge opened up to a fork in the
road. I lost sight of the two who had been in front of me, and I no longer
heard people behind me. I was all alone. Do I choose to take the path through
the forest or up a sandy mountain? The green called to me and without a second
thought I turned left.
The forest path led me down near a river.
Forest and water, a combination of the tests my parents went through? How symbolic. I followed the path until
I heard someone up ahead. Ducking into the trees, I waited to see what horror
was coming next.
As the sound came closer, I discerned it was
a groan. There was only one monster that produced that sound. Zombies. In all
my history classes, I had never been interested in them or scared of them. Sure
I’d been told that they had the power to tear your insides down and destroy
your emotions, but what did that mean? I didn’t want to find out. The creatures
were scary enough in person that I didn’t want to get close to them. They were
a slight green color and had cloth covering their eyes and strings hanging from
their ears. I decided to walk farther in the forest away from the zombies. I
could only go about four feet before a giant boulder blocked my path. I
couldn’t go above it, and it was too large to walk around. That meant that I
would have to walk by the zombies. I couldn’t go out there the way I was, they
would know I was different. I had to do something. Suddenly an idea struck me.
I plucked two leaves from the nearest tree and found two sticks. I stuck the
leaves over my eyes, luckily I could see through them, and pushed the curved
sticks into my braid to make it appear I had strings coming from my ears. I
made it back down to the river amid a pack of zombies moaning to blend in. They
seemed not to notice me and fifteen minutes later, without any altercations, I
made it to a large building.
The building was made of bricks and had ivy
climbing up the sides as if it was trying to reach the princess before me. As I
watched, I realized the ivy was moving. This was no normal ivy, it would
strangle anyone who touched it; I had to hurry. I opened the doors and saw a
pair of staircases. This room looked like the throne room in the castle. I had
been here before. The way to the princess’s bedroom was up the right flight but
I felt a pull to the left. After quietly making my way upstairs, I opened the
only door that had light shining under the frame. My innate sense of danger
increased the closer I got, and I reached for a sword that was on display in a
suit of armor. My right hand grasped the handle and my left hand my instrument.
This door swung open and I had arrived. The way to the princess was through
this door. I could sense the many dangers that stood in front of me, but I was
ready. I would find her.
I Don't Want To Not Remember
Well I guess it's time to tell the story of what really happened. He got back from California and we texted, not a lot, not everyday, but enough to get me feeling excited. We both couldn't make it the first day, but it was alright. I texted him the next week and without saying anything, he asked me if I was free Friday. Ugh yeah...I mean it would take some convincing from my parents but I could definitely make it work. After PROMISING to be home by 10, I went to work, nervously anticipating the night ahead. Around 3 he checked in.
Hey we still down to hang? 2:04
Yup.
Shall we say 7:40 at the gas station? 4:03
See ya there :) 4:27
That smile warmed my heart every time I looked or thought about it. Could it mean nothing? Yup. Was he probably just being nice? Yup. Oh well it was cute.
I closed the office as fast as I could, running around and watching the clock. I left 5 minutes later than I wanted to, but I reassured myself that the gas station was close by. After a hurried goodbye to an old coworker I worked my way across the street, around a round about, and right into a parking spot. 4:30 dang it, I only had 10 minutes before he was supposed to be here. Quickly, I grabbed my clothing bag and purse and went to change. I worked fast to get dressed, and hard to make my red sweaty face disappear. One final swipe of my powder and that was going to have to do. I ran outside and put my bags away so I could look nonchalant when he got here. 4:38. Ok, I could deal. I sat down and pulled my phone out. Something silver caught my eye. Of course it would be his car. I quickly smiled at him, and then texted my parents. Then I got out of the car.
He got out too and I walked around my car to his. I don't remember if I said hello, but I remember him telling me that his day was long, and I told him I was hot. Then he asked what we were going to do, and I just told him were just winging it. When we got near the end of the parking lot, we went right, around the round about and then ended up on the freeway. I chose the direction by a coin at least until we got on the freeway and then he took over.
We talked the entire way to our destination. I don't remember what specifically about, but he correctly predicted something and I was surprised. Normally I have the psychic skills, and I am also way more flirty. Tonight I just talked to him as I always did, probably giggled more than normal, but I thought I was doing good staying strictly friendly. As we drove, it was exciting yet terrifying to not know where
Journey from the How
Darkness engulfed me. The clouds were closing in and I couldn't escape. I was running as fast I could to beat it. I had to beat the force behind me. My will was propelling me forward, faster than I had ever ran before. Time was running out. I was going to be l...Finally the light I was running towards shined like the silver on a cell phone case in the light and the clouds were chased away. The light didn't go away. Instead it pierced the safety of my closed eyelids and forced me to do the one thing I dreaded: wake up.
The blinding light was coming from my open window that my mother had so lovingly opened for me. I groaned and hugged my pillow close to my body. Another five minutes. My eyes closed and I searched for the edges of my dream that had escaped my grasp. Instead another dream was found and details scattered before I could recall any of them.
Another five minutes turned into forty five but I still had plenty of time. Although the day had a feeling of the gray from the clouds in my first dream it could still be a good day. I grabbed my sweatshirt and shoes and started my morning run. It was still early enough that the middle school was free of traffic. With every step I was running towards the person I was meant to be, the person he wanted me to become. I pushed harder and ran faster reaching the runner's high the ecstasy that took a long time to reach but was worth every minute of pain. I could stay this way forever. A horn honk shook me from my stupor and I stumbled on the side of a round about. I continued on my run making it back to my house before my sister got up.
My puppy met me at the door with a wet tongue and a wagging tail with a quick pat on the back, I jumped in the shower. I smiled if I beat my sister inside, it was just a benefit. After braiding my wet hair back, I put on new clothes and went to make a casual breakfast of chai tea and scrambled eggs. With my warm plate in hand, I sat down to enjoy a quick t.v. show or two before I had to head down to the university.
The University of Nevada Reno was an amazing place. The more I went, the longer I wanted to stay. The atmosphere was great, the people were kind staying in their own business, and the parking was horrible. Today again, I had to park in the northern most part of the parking lot. I mentally sighed. A 20 minute walk to class today compared to the usual 15 minute one. It's a good thing the campus was beautiful.
I placed my headphones in my ears and my sunglasses on my face. Unlike my peers, no music came on. As a writer you are constantly on the lookout for behavior that might inspire your characters or situations to use later. I had to be as inconspicuous as I could when eavesdropping. People were more likely to say intimate details if they thought you weren't listening. With my gear on, I started walking.
After the sea of cars that seemed to never end I eventually came upon the alley. It was the only way to go, or the only smart way to go. In between the stadium and the parking garage an alley took you down to lower campus. It was a land full of people turning their heads at the sight of another person. What were they afraid of? That someone was going to bite their head off? Unfortunately, nobody did; at least this time.
Next feature was the student union or Lawlor events center. A road separated the two and presented a choice. Follow the road less traveled and ignore the signs hoping that death was not in your immediate future or cross the road to the union and follow the bandwagon amid strangers?
The blinding light was coming from my open window that my mother had so lovingly opened for me. I groaned and hugged my pillow close to my body. Another five minutes. My eyes closed and I searched for the edges of my dream that had escaped my grasp. Instead another dream was found and details scattered before I could recall any of them.
Another five minutes turned into forty five but I still had plenty of time. Although the day had a feeling of the gray from the clouds in my first dream it could still be a good day. I grabbed my sweatshirt and shoes and started my morning run. It was still early enough that the middle school was free of traffic. With every step I was running towards the person I was meant to be, the person he wanted me to become. I pushed harder and ran faster reaching the runner's high the ecstasy that took a long time to reach but was worth every minute of pain. I could stay this way forever. A horn honk shook me from my stupor and I stumbled on the side of a round about. I continued on my run making it back to my house before my sister got up.
My puppy met me at the door with a wet tongue and a wagging tail with a quick pat on the back, I jumped in the shower. I smiled if I beat my sister inside, it was just a benefit. After braiding my wet hair back, I put on new clothes and went to make a casual breakfast of chai tea and scrambled eggs. With my warm plate in hand, I sat down to enjoy a quick t.v. show or two before I had to head down to the university.
The University of Nevada Reno was an amazing place. The more I went, the longer I wanted to stay. The atmosphere was great, the people were kind staying in their own business, and the parking was horrible. Today again, I had to park in the northern most part of the parking lot. I mentally sighed. A 20 minute walk to class today compared to the usual 15 minute one. It's a good thing the campus was beautiful.
I placed my headphones in my ears and my sunglasses on my face. Unlike my peers, no music came on. As a writer you are constantly on the lookout for behavior that might inspire your characters or situations to use later. I had to be as inconspicuous as I could when eavesdropping. People were more likely to say intimate details if they thought you weren't listening. With my gear on, I started walking.
After the sea of cars that seemed to never end I eventually came upon the alley. It was the only way to go, or the only smart way to go. In between the stadium and the parking garage an alley took you down to lower campus. It was a land full of people turning their heads at the sight of another person. What were they afraid of? That someone was going to bite their head off? Unfortunately, nobody did; at least this time.
Next feature was the student union or Lawlor events center. A road separated the two and presented a choice. Follow the road less traveled and ignore the signs hoping that death was not in your immediate future or cross the road to the union and follow the bandwagon amid strangers?
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Artfully on Display
Art is everywhere. There is beauty in it all. The sculptors who use their hands with clay to express their art. The musicians who use their instruments to sing songs for them. The actors who utilize the one instrument God gave to everyone: their bodies. And me? I feel at home on the graffiti stairs. There are so many stories to tell, so many colors and things to look at. I want to feel at peace in that room, to sit at the top of the stairs overlooking everything. This place is my place. My art is here. My instrument; my stories, molded and crafted to be parables for the living. To help them learn and to entertain. Do I feel guilty that I am not constantly working on my art? No. I work on it as I can and as the muse tells me to do so. When I feel it, when I need it the most it's there. For me to access all I need is a pen and paper.
I am not like these actors. I can but prefer not to open up to the world. What have these people done to deserve to get to know the real me? Or even the me I project to the world? It's selfish locking myself down into a box projected by the zodiac sign I lie under. I don't have to listen. I could block it out like my Catholic roots proclaim. Be the person that God wants me to be not the projection of an ideal someone came up with. The safety vessel helps. Gives an explanation. I guess I could feel like limitation but I don't have to, I can do whatever I want. Be free. Be me. Artfully on display.
I am not like these actors. I can but prefer not to open up to the world. What have these people done to deserve to get to know the real me? Or even the me I project to the world? It's selfish locking myself down into a box projected by the zodiac sign I lie under. I don't have to listen. I could block it out like my Catholic roots proclaim. Be the person that God wants me to be not the projection of an ideal someone came up with. The safety vessel helps. Gives an explanation. I guess I could feel like limitation but I don't have to, I can do whatever I want. Be free. Be me. Artfully on display.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Dear Danny,
I thought about not doing this. Really it would be a lot easier to sit and do nothing, just wonder and daydream, but it wouldn't accomplish anything. And if I have learned anything this summer, I don't want to be the person who does nothing. So I am doing this. I have to warn you, I am not the best at expressing my emotions out loud. It makes me feel vulnerable and afraid that the other person doesn't feel the same. Being vulnerable isn't something I am particularly good at. Too many times have I walked down that road only to be denied and hurt. In the end I guess some people would describe me as cold, but that's not true. Danny, I want to be honest with you and let you know how I feel. I know how important honesty is to you, so here goes everything. I want to start at the beginning.
For four years we had gone to school together, each with different friends and classes. I always thought you were really kind and gentlemanly. I respected you and wanted to find someone like you one day. We had a few conversations but never really talked, never really got to know each other. Then you rejoined the OCC team and I got to know you a little bit better. You were still kind, but now I learned that you were funny, optimistic, and tolerant, putting other's needs in front of your own. When we went to Kansas City, I started to feel attracted to you. Opening Ceremony and that entire day was really fun. Watching you interact with Jason was intriguing and I hoped to get to know you even more. That night I started to feel something, I don't know what, but something. I hoped that the rest of the trip would be like that, full of fun and excitement. It wasn't but that was ok.
When we got back, I felt that you had been disenfranchised somehow. Maybe it was a voice in the back of my head or something else, but I remember that you didn't get to see Transformers and I felt bad that everyone had turned down your idea. So I thought I would ask if you wanted to see it, I figured we could get a group together and chill. However that didn't happen. Instead you and I met up after you got back from California. I guess I had expected something quiet and something acquaintances did like getting a fast food dinner or something along those lines. When you texted me, I was excited but nervous about what to do, and running off of my earlier assumption I didn't do much prep work. I was certainly surprised that you had a back up plan. The Chocolate Bar was great. The fondue and the conversation. A few times I was scared that I was going to say something that would make you think I was weird and take me straight to the gas station. You never gave me the impression that happened. In fact it seemed like you were having a good time, I may just be assuming. For all I know you could have been putting on a nice face.
There was something about driving down the freeway with you that didn't make me nervous. In fact it was thrilling not knowing the destination, and being driven by a guy like you. Because of you I can now say that I snuck into a house. I never thought that would happen, much like something else that happened that night. As we lay on those boards, the conversation reached topics that I had not talked about so honestly and open with my best friend. You probably don't know it, but most of the time I was resisting the urge to curl next to you and rest my head on your arm. Right then, I couldn't do that. We hardly knew each other and I don't just jump to conclusions about how people feel. I didn't think that you would find that behavior appropriate to the situation, so I stayed on my side. I can't quite pinpoint the moment that I felt you were going to kiss me, but I know it happened while we were still at the house. There's a funny thing: wishful thinking. Perhaps the next time you want to talk, I'll tell you a secret about wishful thinking. Anyway, that feeling just got stronger as we headed back to the gas station. The questions about kissing may have helped point me to that direction, but it didn't cross my mind that you actually would kiss me. In fact I tried to avoid any miscommunication that entire night. I may have been a little flirty but I tried to keep my voice as friendly as possible. I didn't know what you thought of me and I didn't want to rush to any assumptions. So now we get to the meat of it: the kiss.
I guess when we pulled up to Maverik, your actions right there and then would tell me what you thought. You leaned forward, and I did the only thing that came to my mind. I know. I could be making a big deal out of something that meant nothing to you, but it meant something to me, I just didn't know what. When I thought about it, I came to a few logical conclusions:
1. I had been the one to pull away, so you must have been enjoying it, or else you would have pulled away.
OR
2. You were trying to do me a favor, and liven up a moment of my life so I wouldn't be so pathetic sounding when I told my kids about my summer after high school.
OR
3. You wanted to kiss me, and might be interested in me.
OR
4. It didn't mean anything to you, you just wanted to see if I would go that far with you.
Yes, there were four different ideas about that kiss that with all my over analyzing I had come up with. The truth was, on my drive home, my mouth was agape. You had kissed me. I couldn't believe it, the most attractive guy in school had kissed me. I never saw myself as that lucky girl, but you changed that. I hate to admit it, but honestly, I couldn't get it out of my mind. I wanted to know why: why had you kissed me? What was your motivation? Were you interested in me? Were you just using me? I had no way of knowing, but I hoped that you had good intentions. I spent the next week constantly thinking of it. (I don't mean to sound obsessive, but I have a need to mull ideas over in my head until I can make sense of them.) That week I also had a dream. You and I were both in it and I woke up feeling destroyed and sad. Needless to say, I looked forward to getting cell service. In my hopelessly romantic mindset, I hoped to see a text from you saying that you wanted to hang out. My logical and pessimist side of my brain told me that you didn't want to hang out again, and that you weren't going to text. When you didn't, I was slightly disappointed, but I also knew that it probably meant nothing to you, and you could be doing whatever you wanted with whoever you wanted without thinking about me at all. I was ok with that. You didn't owe me anything. Nor do you now.
Yet I felt a need to know how you felt. I convinced myself that I needed to know why, and I needed to know if I was a good kisser or a mediocre kisser. The first time I had kissed someone like that, I really like him and a few hours after it happened, he started apologizing. Horrible theories ran through my head and at that time I assumed that I had done something wrong. He never said why he was sorry, and I was left assuming the worst. Nobody knows how much I had been hurt; and the uncertainty still hurts and makes me insecure about kissing like that today. But I am not as insecure as I once was. You probably didn't need to know about my total embarrassment but it does give some background information to my motivation.
I felt pressure to hang out with you again. I needed to know. I had planned on talking to you that Friday, but I was afraid that you didn't want to. I'm ashamed to admit that I had expected you to text and confirm our meeting again. It's stupid but by pride and a stroke of luck, I had other plans. Then we rescheduled. I hated bothering you, I hate bothering anyone. But I assumed that if you didn't want to meet you would say that you were busy or make up an excuse. You didn't.
That brings us to the Marina and talking on the beach. Last time we had gotten together, I felt that I learned a lot about you; this time I felt like I did more talking than listening. We only talked for about an hour before we parted ways, but it was nice to talk to you again. You have made me think of other perspectives, and it seemed that you were very perceptive, especially about the subtle things. There was one subtle thing that I'm not sure if you picked up on.
That "dangerous fun" guy I mentioned was you. It was a trip talking to you about you. I wonder if you knew about that? I guess I mentioned it to try to get a grasp on your feelings. There were a few times I thought I was getting close to the heart of it, but it was like trying to catch smoke. Just as soon as I thought I had figured it out, it changed. There is one thing that I am certain about. The way the sun was shining on your face made you look amazing. Light danced off of your eyelashes and lit up your face. The same feeling I had about curling up to you on the baseboards in Sommerset returned, this time it told me to brush a quick kiss on your lips. I wrestled with that idea over and over in my head. Would you like it? Or did you want to just stay friendly? I opted for the latter, again not jumping without reassurance that there would be something to catch me. While I was wrestling with that idea, I also looked for places in the conversation to talk about the kiss. You didn't bring anything up, and I took that as a cue that it was nothing, so I didn't either. Again I was scared to mention it. The conversation was great and went to things I couldn't have guessed. When we got up to leave, I want you to know that I told you that you didn't have to because you didn't owe me anything, not because I didn't want you to. I don't want you to think that I wasn't interested, I'm just independent and used to taking care of myself. I wished you had walked me to my car though.
When I left I felt secure. I was fine with not knowing. I was fine not asking you those questions and just going on with my life. Everything was fine until Saturday night. I couldn't sleep for two hours, I was busy thinking about you. My grandmother once said that if you are thinking about someone and you can't get them out of your head, do something about it. I couldn't really do anything then, but I'm choosing to do something now. That's why I wrote you this. Writing always makes me feel better, clears my mind I guess. So I laid everything out for you.
You are going to Boston. I'm staying here. Neither of us believes that long distance relationships are worth it. You said that it's no good because you can't touch or hold or kiss. I want to be held, touched and kissed. You are going to achieve your dreams and meet amazing people. I'll be here, working on the same thing. I don't know how you feel about me. Was us hanging out a one time thing? Do you want to be my friend? Do you think there could be something more?
This could have been stupid, writing you about all this, especially when I don't know how you feel. If you don't ever want to see me again, I understand. It may seem like a waste to you to have written this, but if that is your mindset than I did this for me.
If you want to be friends or acquaintances then we can go on like nothing ever happened. The way we did when we went to see Guardians of the Galaxy. I'll see you at the reunion and that will be that.
Then there's always the option that you wanted to be more, but couldn't with the time constraint. Here's my proposal. If we see each other again, and neither of us are married or engaged, then maybe we can pursue this. See if we are compatible and enjoy each other's company. I don't want you to think of this as a love letter, because it's not. I meant it more as a open line of communication. Now you know how I felt, and you are free to do with it what you want. Don't put off anything in your life because of this letter. Do the things you want, and have no regrets. That is one thing you taught me, so stick to your own advice in that regard. I don't want this to change anything. If you wish, think of it as a SAVE THE DATE letter. That is if you were interested in seeing me again. If that's the case than I can't wait to share the secrets not told and get the answers that I longed for. We can't do anything about it now, but if we were meant to pursue this, there will be a time that we will pick up from where we left off.
In all honesty, I don't know how I feel towards you. I can't rush into things. It takes time for me to learn if I can get along with a person, like them, or if I can learn to love them. I want you to know that it took a lot to write this and be as honest as I could with you. It would be nice to know how you feel, but I am ok not knowing. I can go on with my life. Part of me thinks that you did feel something beyond friendship. You were quiet in the relationship regard. I think you might have been quiet trying to figure out if I was into you. In my experience, guys wait for a cue from the girl to determine whether or not to pursue them. Well if that's what you were waiting on, this is your cue. Now it's your turn to do something about it. It would be really interesting to hear what you have to say about all of this. If you don't want to react, and you end up saying nothing, then do it. Respond to this with honesty. Laugh if you must, call me a hopeless romantic, or pathetic but know that this didn't come from an obsessive place. This came from my heart.
I wish you the best with your journey. May you achieve all your dreams and live a happy life. If we are destined to see each other again, then we will. If not, it was great to know a part of you Danny. You played a pivotal part in my life. If that is all you were meant to play, than I thank you. Regardless of how our stories unfold, you are still kind, funny, gentlemanly and a man to follow.
Until next time, or never again,
Ashley
For four years we had gone to school together, each with different friends and classes. I always thought you were really kind and gentlemanly. I respected you and wanted to find someone like you one day. We had a few conversations but never really talked, never really got to know each other. Then you rejoined the OCC team and I got to know you a little bit better. You were still kind, but now I learned that you were funny, optimistic, and tolerant, putting other's needs in front of your own. When we went to Kansas City, I started to feel attracted to you. Opening Ceremony and that entire day was really fun. Watching you interact with Jason was intriguing and I hoped to get to know you even more. That night I started to feel something, I don't know what, but something. I hoped that the rest of the trip would be like that, full of fun and excitement. It wasn't but that was ok.
When we got back, I felt that you had been disenfranchised somehow. Maybe it was a voice in the back of my head or something else, but I remember that you didn't get to see Transformers and I felt bad that everyone had turned down your idea. So I thought I would ask if you wanted to see it, I figured we could get a group together and chill. However that didn't happen. Instead you and I met up after you got back from California. I guess I had expected something quiet and something acquaintances did like getting a fast food dinner or something along those lines. When you texted me, I was excited but nervous about what to do, and running off of my earlier assumption I didn't do much prep work. I was certainly surprised that you had a back up plan. The Chocolate Bar was great. The fondue and the conversation. A few times I was scared that I was going to say something that would make you think I was weird and take me straight to the gas station. You never gave me the impression that happened. In fact it seemed like you were having a good time, I may just be assuming. For all I know you could have been putting on a nice face.
There was something about driving down the freeway with you that didn't make me nervous. In fact it was thrilling not knowing the destination, and being driven by a guy like you. Because of you I can now say that I snuck into a house. I never thought that would happen, much like something else that happened that night. As we lay on those boards, the conversation reached topics that I had not talked about so honestly and open with my best friend. You probably don't know it, but most of the time I was resisting the urge to curl next to you and rest my head on your arm. Right then, I couldn't do that. We hardly knew each other and I don't just jump to conclusions about how people feel. I didn't think that you would find that behavior appropriate to the situation, so I stayed on my side. I can't quite pinpoint the moment that I felt you were going to kiss me, but I know it happened while we were still at the house. There's a funny thing: wishful thinking. Perhaps the next time you want to talk, I'll tell you a secret about wishful thinking. Anyway, that feeling just got stronger as we headed back to the gas station. The questions about kissing may have helped point me to that direction, but it didn't cross my mind that you actually would kiss me. In fact I tried to avoid any miscommunication that entire night. I may have been a little flirty but I tried to keep my voice as friendly as possible. I didn't know what you thought of me and I didn't want to rush to any assumptions. So now we get to the meat of it: the kiss.
I guess when we pulled up to Maverik, your actions right there and then would tell me what you thought. You leaned forward, and I did the only thing that came to my mind. I know. I could be making a big deal out of something that meant nothing to you, but it meant something to me, I just didn't know what. When I thought about it, I came to a few logical conclusions:
1. I had been the one to pull away, so you must have been enjoying it, or else you would have pulled away.
OR
2. You were trying to do me a favor, and liven up a moment of my life so I wouldn't be so pathetic sounding when I told my kids about my summer after high school.
OR
3. You wanted to kiss me, and might be interested in me.
OR
4. It didn't mean anything to you, you just wanted to see if I would go that far with you.
Yes, there were four different ideas about that kiss that with all my over analyzing I had come up with. The truth was, on my drive home, my mouth was agape. You had kissed me. I couldn't believe it, the most attractive guy in school had kissed me. I never saw myself as that lucky girl, but you changed that. I hate to admit it, but honestly, I couldn't get it out of my mind. I wanted to know why: why had you kissed me? What was your motivation? Were you interested in me? Were you just using me? I had no way of knowing, but I hoped that you had good intentions. I spent the next week constantly thinking of it. (I don't mean to sound obsessive, but I have a need to mull ideas over in my head until I can make sense of them.) That week I also had a dream. You and I were both in it and I woke up feeling destroyed and sad. Needless to say, I looked forward to getting cell service. In my hopelessly romantic mindset, I hoped to see a text from you saying that you wanted to hang out. My logical and pessimist side of my brain told me that you didn't want to hang out again, and that you weren't going to text. When you didn't, I was slightly disappointed, but I also knew that it probably meant nothing to you, and you could be doing whatever you wanted with whoever you wanted without thinking about me at all. I was ok with that. You didn't owe me anything. Nor do you now.
Yet I felt a need to know how you felt. I convinced myself that I needed to know why, and I needed to know if I was a good kisser or a mediocre kisser. The first time I had kissed someone like that, I really like him and a few hours after it happened, he started apologizing. Horrible theories ran through my head and at that time I assumed that I had done something wrong. He never said why he was sorry, and I was left assuming the worst. Nobody knows how much I had been hurt; and the uncertainty still hurts and makes me insecure about kissing like that today. But I am not as insecure as I once was. You probably didn't need to know about my total embarrassment but it does give some background information to my motivation.
I felt pressure to hang out with you again. I needed to know. I had planned on talking to you that Friday, but I was afraid that you didn't want to. I'm ashamed to admit that I had expected you to text and confirm our meeting again. It's stupid but by pride and a stroke of luck, I had other plans. Then we rescheduled. I hated bothering you, I hate bothering anyone. But I assumed that if you didn't want to meet you would say that you were busy or make up an excuse. You didn't.
That brings us to the Marina and talking on the beach. Last time we had gotten together, I felt that I learned a lot about you; this time I felt like I did more talking than listening. We only talked for about an hour before we parted ways, but it was nice to talk to you again. You have made me think of other perspectives, and it seemed that you were very perceptive, especially about the subtle things. There was one subtle thing that I'm not sure if you picked up on.
That "dangerous fun" guy I mentioned was you. It was a trip talking to you about you. I wonder if you knew about that? I guess I mentioned it to try to get a grasp on your feelings. There were a few times I thought I was getting close to the heart of it, but it was like trying to catch smoke. Just as soon as I thought I had figured it out, it changed. There is one thing that I am certain about. The way the sun was shining on your face made you look amazing. Light danced off of your eyelashes and lit up your face. The same feeling I had about curling up to you on the baseboards in Sommerset returned, this time it told me to brush a quick kiss on your lips. I wrestled with that idea over and over in my head. Would you like it? Or did you want to just stay friendly? I opted for the latter, again not jumping without reassurance that there would be something to catch me. While I was wrestling with that idea, I also looked for places in the conversation to talk about the kiss. You didn't bring anything up, and I took that as a cue that it was nothing, so I didn't either. Again I was scared to mention it. The conversation was great and went to things I couldn't have guessed. When we got up to leave, I want you to know that I told you that you didn't have to because you didn't owe me anything, not because I didn't want you to. I don't want you to think that I wasn't interested, I'm just independent and used to taking care of myself. I wished you had walked me to my car though.
When I left I felt secure. I was fine with not knowing. I was fine not asking you those questions and just going on with my life. Everything was fine until Saturday night. I couldn't sleep for two hours, I was busy thinking about you. My grandmother once said that if you are thinking about someone and you can't get them out of your head, do something about it. I couldn't really do anything then, but I'm choosing to do something now. That's why I wrote you this. Writing always makes me feel better, clears my mind I guess. So I laid everything out for you.
You are going to Boston. I'm staying here. Neither of us believes that long distance relationships are worth it. You said that it's no good because you can't touch or hold or kiss. I want to be held, touched and kissed. You are going to achieve your dreams and meet amazing people. I'll be here, working on the same thing. I don't know how you feel about me. Was us hanging out a one time thing? Do you want to be my friend? Do you think there could be something more?
This could have been stupid, writing you about all this, especially when I don't know how you feel. If you don't ever want to see me again, I understand. It may seem like a waste to you to have written this, but if that is your mindset than I did this for me.
If you want to be friends or acquaintances then we can go on like nothing ever happened. The way we did when we went to see Guardians of the Galaxy. I'll see you at the reunion and that will be that.
Then there's always the option that you wanted to be more, but couldn't with the time constraint. Here's my proposal. If we see each other again, and neither of us are married or engaged, then maybe we can pursue this. See if we are compatible and enjoy each other's company. I don't want you to think of this as a love letter, because it's not. I meant it more as a open line of communication. Now you know how I felt, and you are free to do with it what you want. Don't put off anything in your life because of this letter. Do the things you want, and have no regrets. That is one thing you taught me, so stick to your own advice in that regard. I don't want this to change anything. If you wish, think of it as a SAVE THE DATE letter. That is if you were interested in seeing me again. If that's the case than I can't wait to share the secrets not told and get the answers that I longed for. We can't do anything about it now, but if we were meant to pursue this, there will be a time that we will pick up from where we left off.
In all honesty, I don't know how I feel towards you. I can't rush into things. It takes time for me to learn if I can get along with a person, like them, or if I can learn to love them. I want you to know that it took a lot to write this and be as honest as I could with you. It would be nice to know how you feel, but I am ok not knowing. I can go on with my life. Part of me thinks that you did feel something beyond friendship. You were quiet in the relationship regard. I think you might have been quiet trying to figure out if I was into you. In my experience, guys wait for a cue from the girl to determine whether or not to pursue them. Well if that's what you were waiting on, this is your cue. Now it's your turn to do something about it. It would be really interesting to hear what you have to say about all of this. If you don't want to react, and you end up saying nothing, then do it. Respond to this with honesty. Laugh if you must, call me a hopeless romantic, or pathetic but know that this didn't come from an obsessive place. This came from my heart.
I wish you the best with your journey. May you achieve all your dreams and live a happy life. If we are destined to see each other again, then we will. If not, it was great to know a part of you Danny. You played a pivotal part in my life. If that is all you were meant to play, than I thank you. Regardless of how our stories unfold, you are still kind, funny, gentlemanly and a man to follow.
Until next time, or never again,
Ashley
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Can't Sleep
So tonight, I am unsettled. I am thinking all sorts of thoughts. Ok, so let's start with Danny.
I want to know why he kissed me. I know that he just wants to have fun, but was he doing it because he was interested in me, or was he just trying to do me a favor? Worse off, was he doing it to give Ben advice about how to get with me? I feel like he wouldn't do that. But I don't really know him that well. I know that he and Jason pushed Ben on me and I DON'T LIKE HIM! If he asked, I would try to find a nice way of saying it, but he doesn't. He's just subtle, and I don't want to be all rude and say, "Oh yeah Ben, I really don't like you. Stop being so clingy. Nothing you say is going to make me like you in the way you like me." I can't do that.
I want to hang out with Danny, I had such a fun time last time but I don't want to bother him. The other day I canceled our plans because he hadn't texted me and I didn't think he wanted to hang out. I felt empowered but then he broke that up by being nice. I invited him to go to the movies but he just got back from hanging with his sister. I understand that. I don't want to be a bother to him. Really. I don't want him to think that I'm clingy and obsessive. I just want to know if he saw a future for us. Do I text him, and make plans again? Do I call him on Tuesday night and talk to him? Do I wait for him to talk to me? I'm persistent in things that I want and can achieve. He's leaving for Boston. I shouldn't waste his time. But what if I'm not wasting his time? What if he liked hanging? Maybe he'd say something. He hasn't. Do I wait 10 years for the class reunion to ask him about the kiss? I go back and forth on this. Maybe he and i will both be married. I didn't feel anything. Is it really worth it? I could ruin the strange acquaintanceship that we have. God I don't know what to do. Society tells us that regrets no one should live with. I don't know where you stand on that.
This is stupid. Much bigger problems than my love life. Cale I don't know what to do about. He made me laugh a lot but he's a year younger than me, and he's not attractive. At least not the way I think he should be. Who knows what could've been. I keep seeing this image in my head of Danny and I talking, but I know he likes to have sex with other girls. I can see him leaning over and reassuring me that he really did like me. He grabs me around my neck and plants his lips on mine. I go in and we end up on top of each other. "This is why I didn't want to get this involved. You don't want this, and I wish there was more time to do it but there isn't and we can't. I've never met anyone like you Ashley."
He moves off of me and I sit looking towards the apartments. "But at least now we know. Interesting how we never did anything about it before."
Who am i kidding? Why would he be interested in me? I'm not that fit, I'm judgmental and I don't like to try new things. He can have nearly any girl he wants. He has a great body, and a great future. I'm a strong, independent woman who makes my own way. I am good enough for him. He was the cutest guy in school and he kissed me. He came towards me. He initiated it.
I looked forward to our Friday plans for weeks. I got all excited but then I let them pass because of my pride. Maybe he wanted to hang out and I ruined it.
Ok game-plan: I'll call him on Tuesday see what he's doing if he's in the mood to argue. If he can't meet then I'll talk to him on the phone. I'll learn why he kissed me and what he thought. Hopefully we can hang out, but I see more of a phone call conversation. Then I'll be completely honest with him if he asks something.
Lord,
I know you love me. Please look over me this next week. Help me to meet up with Danny. I pray that he feels something. Let him think of me as more of a friend, or an acquaintance. I'm sorry Lord, but that's most of what I can think about. Please let the actions that I described in regards to him leaning over to me and kissing me again. Amen.
I want to know why he kissed me. I know that he just wants to have fun, but was he doing it because he was interested in me, or was he just trying to do me a favor? Worse off, was he doing it to give Ben advice about how to get with me? I feel like he wouldn't do that. But I don't really know him that well. I know that he and Jason pushed Ben on me and I DON'T LIKE HIM! If he asked, I would try to find a nice way of saying it, but he doesn't. He's just subtle, and I don't want to be all rude and say, "Oh yeah Ben, I really don't like you. Stop being so clingy. Nothing you say is going to make me like you in the way you like me." I can't do that.
I want to hang out with Danny, I had such a fun time last time but I don't want to bother him. The other day I canceled our plans because he hadn't texted me and I didn't think he wanted to hang out. I felt empowered but then he broke that up by being nice. I invited him to go to the movies but he just got back from hanging with his sister. I understand that. I don't want to be a bother to him. Really. I don't want him to think that I'm clingy and obsessive. I just want to know if he saw a future for us. Do I text him, and make plans again? Do I call him on Tuesday night and talk to him? Do I wait for him to talk to me? I'm persistent in things that I want and can achieve. He's leaving for Boston. I shouldn't waste his time. But what if I'm not wasting his time? What if he liked hanging? Maybe he'd say something. He hasn't. Do I wait 10 years for the class reunion to ask him about the kiss? I go back and forth on this. Maybe he and i will both be married. I didn't feel anything. Is it really worth it? I could ruin the strange acquaintanceship that we have. God I don't know what to do. Society tells us that regrets no one should live with. I don't know where you stand on that.
This is stupid. Much bigger problems than my love life. Cale I don't know what to do about. He made me laugh a lot but he's a year younger than me, and he's not attractive. At least not the way I think he should be. Who knows what could've been. I keep seeing this image in my head of Danny and I talking, but I know he likes to have sex with other girls. I can see him leaning over and reassuring me that he really did like me. He grabs me around my neck and plants his lips on mine. I go in and we end up on top of each other. "This is why I didn't want to get this involved. You don't want this, and I wish there was more time to do it but there isn't and we can't. I've never met anyone like you Ashley."
He moves off of me and I sit looking towards the apartments. "But at least now we know. Interesting how we never did anything about it before."
Who am i kidding? Why would he be interested in me? I'm not that fit, I'm judgmental and I don't like to try new things. He can have nearly any girl he wants. He has a great body, and a great future. I'm a strong, independent woman who makes my own way. I am good enough for him. He was the cutest guy in school and he kissed me. He came towards me. He initiated it.
I looked forward to our Friday plans for weeks. I got all excited but then I let them pass because of my pride. Maybe he wanted to hang out and I ruined it.
Ok game-plan: I'll call him on Tuesday see what he's doing if he's in the mood to argue. If he can't meet then I'll talk to him on the phone. I'll learn why he kissed me and what he thought. Hopefully we can hang out, but I see more of a phone call conversation. Then I'll be completely honest with him if he asks something.
Lord,
I know you love me. Please look over me this next week. Help me to meet up with Danny. I pray that he feels something. Let him think of me as more of a friend, or an acquaintance. I'm sorry Lord, but that's most of what I can think about. Please let the actions that I described in regards to him leaning over to me and kissing me again. Amen.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
The Life of a Guard
It's summer and it's hot. There's only one thing to do at a time like this: go to a water park! In Reno, there are a few water park, but nothing like Wild Island. It's right off of I-80 heading east. So before you make the plunge to Mustang or Elko, swing by.
When I was younger, I can remember thinking about the lifeguards, how fabulous their jobs must be! They get to be around the water all the time, getting a tan, yelling at us kids who were just trying to have fun. I could never do what they did. Until I became one.
The summer before my senior year in high school, I applied to the water park with my best friend to be lifeguards. The line was really long and it was hard to keep up morale, but a few hours later we finally made it in. They interviewed six of us at a time, asked us the same questions and tried to get a feel for our personalities as fast as they could. I had seen other people leaving with pieces of paper, which I assumed meant they had gotten onto the next step. I wanted one. I wanted to prove I was good enough. I liked the water enough, I wanted to help people, and after giving answers that were less than perfect, I left. Without a piece of paper. However I was overjoyed when they called me on a few nights later and said that my answers were good enough! They were impressed with me, and wanted me to be a lifeguard! Needless to say I was a little excited. I immediately wanted to train for the test.
I started the next day. After a 50 yard test, I was tired. I tried to swim 200 yards without stopping, but that didn't help. I just got cramps. Not good enough. I trained the next day, the next week and the week right before my test. I missed the test though, a little thing called Prom and the timing didn't work so I made a choice. They made theirs.
I was still in! After the test at the local college, all the guards who passed had to take a 5 day training class and pass a physical and written test. There was only one problem: procrastination.
Before class started, all the training guards had to fill out a study guide. I procrastinated on mine until the day before it was due. Time is not my forte. They were ok with that too! Man, God was giving me a lot of lucky breaks with this one.
So I went through the class, getting taught things a little differently than my First Responder class had taught but still easily. Medicine and technical things are more of a natural talent. During the class I failed at a few things, got jealous over the naturally beautiful girls with better bodies, and stood out.
Then came the dreaded physical test. I was worried that I couldn't do it. That's when my instructor whispered to me, "Our pool is a little less than 25 feet." I never knew those words could be so encouraging. I swam a 200, pushing through the pain and made it back in under 4 minutes. The other aspects of the test were easy compared to that feat, and once I had done it the rest stood in front of me like a tumbleweed. All I had to do was kick it and it was gone.
Just like I had passed my physical, I passed the written with no problem. There was a few questions I could have gotten right, instead of wrong, but I passed. Within the next few days I was a lifeguard.
My first day I swear I was going to kill someone. I was nervous to jump in the pool, I was nervous to watch the pool, heck I was nervous to go down the slides. But I made it through. I can remember saving 3 people. Although a few of them didn't need saving. I never felt like I could do it perfectly, and the peace I assumed other guards had, I just couldn't get. But the tan, I did. I got very tan.
So in hindsight, the lifeguards do a lot at Wild Island. After training, they not only have to deal with little kids, but their parents and trying to decipher the rules to make everyone happy. They have to worry about Ellis coming, constantly scanning the water, and are under scrutiny almost every moment. Then they don't get really good breaks. There's 4 hours of training to be completed a month, 8 hour work days to deal with, and a poor wage.
I loved and hated being a lifeguard. Although I'd hope the water park had taught me this lesson, I know I'll still idolize other's jobs, but at least I got to know what it was like to be a lifeguard.
When I was younger, I can remember thinking about the lifeguards, how fabulous their jobs must be! They get to be around the water all the time, getting a tan, yelling at us kids who were just trying to have fun. I could never do what they did. Until I became one.
The summer before my senior year in high school, I applied to the water park with my best friend to be lifeguards. The line was really long and it was hard to keep up morale, but a few hours later we finally made it in. They interviewed six of us at a time, asked us the same questions and tried to get a feel for our personalities as fast as they could. I had seen other people leaving with pieces of paper, which I assumed meant they had gotten onto the next step. I wanted one. I wanted to prove I was good enough. I liked the water enough, I wanted to help people, and after giving answers that were less than perfect, I left. Without a piece of paper. However I was overjoyed when they called me on a few nights later and said that my answers were good enough! They were impressed with me, and wanted me to be a lifeguard! Needless to say I was a little excited. I immediately wanted to train for the test.
I started the next day. After a 50 yard test, I was tired. I tried to swim 200 yards without stopping, but that didn't help. I just got cramps. Not good enough. I trained the next day, the next week and the week right before my test. I missed the test though, a little thing called Prom and the timing didn't work so I made a choice. They made theirs.
I was still in! After the test at the local college, all the guards who passed had to take a 5 day training class and pass a physical and written test. There was only one problem: procrastination.
Before class started, all the training guards had to fill out a study guide. I procrastinated on mine until the day before it was due. Time is not my forte. They were ok with that too! Man, God was giving me a lot of lucky breaks with this one.
So I went through the class, getting taught things a little differently than my First Responder class had taught but still easily. Medicine and technical things are more of a natural talent. During the class I failed at a few things, got jealous over the naturally beautiful girls with better bodies, and stood out.
Then came the dreaded physical test. I was worried that I couldn't do it. That's when my instructor whispered to me, "Our pool is a little less than 25 feet." I never knew those words could be so encouraging. I swam a 200, pushing through the pain and made it back in under 4 minutes. The other aspects of the test were easy compared to that feat, and once I had done it the rest stood in front of me like a tumbleweed. All I had to do was kick it and it was gone.
Just like I had passed my physical, I passed the written with no problem. There was a few questions I could have gotten right, instead of wrong, but I passed. Within the next few days I was a lifeguard.
My first day I swear I was going to kill someone. I was nervous to jump in the pool, I was nervous to watch the pool, heck I was nervous to go down the slides. But I made it through. I can remember saving 3 people. Although a few of them didn't need saving. I never felt like I could do it perfectly, and the peace I assumed other guards had, I just couldn't get. But the tan, I did. I got very tan.
So in hindsight, the lifeguards do a lot at Wild Island. After training, they not only have to deal with little kids, but their parents and trying to decipher the rules to make everyone happy. They have to worry about Ellis coming, constantly scanning the water, and are under scrutiny almost every moment. Then they don't get really good breaks. There's 4 hours of training to be completed a month, 8 hour work days to deal with, and a poor wage.
I loved and hated being a lifeguard. Although I'd hope the water park had taught me this lesson, I know I'll still idolize other's jobs, but at least I got to know what it was like to be a lifeguard.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Yup
Write. That's what they tell me, write like your life depends on it. Maybe, well my character's lives do depend on it. If they never get to see the light of day, its my fault. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Like Delana's perspective of the Catholic Church. For one reason that doesn't settle too good with me. It's about hope. Everything I've been taught has told me that's not true. She's wrong they say. It's about hope. Do it for your Father. I have so many ideas for the youth group, things that might help further it. Disagreements, lack of commitment. Not ok. I need to write, not procrastinate and commit.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Some Thoughts
there is a natural order to things. A way society tells us things have to be. Like recently. movies and tv shows have demonstrated that kids are the ones in control. I'll give you that when a baby first comes into the world, yes, they are the ones in control. They need to eat, and a caregiver must give them everything. But now society shows that kids and teens can just talk to their parents amy way they want, leave whenever they want and have numerous fun things to do at most given moments, not to mention the fact that the long boring moments of a life are montaged to appear fun. Its a lie, I don't think i have the moral compass that others do because I understand the logic behind it. It still bugs the crap out of me, but I get it. They do it because it works.
I've just finished the lifetime movie To Be Fat Like Me. I hate those types of movies that make me feel like I'm not doing anything. It was a great movie, a great message, but they're sending it to an 18 year old girl that hasn't accomplished what so many others have. There are my dreams of being a best selling author, of being thin, a mom, a girlfriend and eventually a wife. I try to tell myself to give it time. Well the mom thing definitely needs time, that's not happening yet. But do the rest really need time? Christopher Paolini published Eragon at 19. That's less than 6 months away. And the girlfriend thing, I've never really said yes. I have had several offers, but never made it happen. It seems that I always like the guy that just isn't ready. The wife thing is obviously waiting too. However the thin thing, its a conundrum. Do I want to be thin because I think that people will like me more because of it? I've been called cute and beautiful by so many people, most of them my parent's friends, but still. If they didn't see something, they wouldn't have said something. Do I want to be thin to wear the cutest clothes? Because I owe it to God, with being born small and the stretch marks that appear on my body, signs that I shouldn't be my size?
Ok, here are my solutions. Start eating better, learn to balance my time, volunteer, throw myself into the things that i choose. I can accomplish so much more if i do. Here's to that.
I've just finished the lifetime movie To Be Fat Like Me. I hate those types of movies that make me feel like I'm not doing anything. It was a great movie, a great message, but they're sending it to an 18 year old girl that hasn't accomplished what so many others have. There are my dreams of being a best selling author, of being thin, a mom, a girlfriend and eventually a wife. I try to tell myself to give it time. Well the mom thing definitely needs time, that's not happening yet. But do the rest really need time? Christopher Paolini published Eragon at 19. That's less than 6 months away. And the girlfriend thing, I've never really said yes. I have had several offers, but never made it happen. It seems that I always like the guy that just isn't ready. The wife thing is obviously waiting too. However the thin thing, its a conundrum. Do I want to be thin because I think that people will like me more because of it? I've been called cute and beautiful by so many people, most of them my parent's friends, but still. If they didn't see something, they wouldn't have said something. Do I want to be thin to wear the cutest clothes? Because I owe it to God, with being born small and the stretch marks that appear on my body, signs that I shouldn't be my size?
Ok, here are my solutions. Start eating better, learn to balance my time, volunteer, throw myself into the things that i choose. I can accomplish so much more if i do. Here's to that.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
The Aftermath and Reception
He opens his eyes surprised and looks down at the note. It's hard to see in the dim light, but he manages to make it out. He turns it over and reads the other side, and then looks at me. This isn't what he had expected. Just as he is about to speak, the light comes on indicating the scene is about to start, so I turn around and give my heart some time to slow down its beats.
When the scene is over I turn back around to face him. His eyes are searching my face, for what I have no idea. Then he asks, "What was that for?" It isn't mean or bashful, it's just full of honest curiosity.
"Danny, you're amazing. You are very ind, selfless, a little funny, and you are the most I've ever seen a guy my age been gentlemanly. When Jenna, Azzi, you and I rode that dollar coaster in Kansas, it was one of the most fun and freeing things I have ever done. I want to keep living like that, do things to try them out, experiment and see if it's good. Be spontaneous. Plus I figured you deserved a proper thank you after KC and every time before that when you were different, and made a situation better. You're a special person Danny, and you deserve special recognition."
He sat and took that in for awhile. The lights came on, and he got up to leave, grabbing the half eaten popcorn on the way out. My face flushed red from embarrassment, and i followed him lout of the theatre, but not too close. When we got out, he took a left and started walking out. I followed like a kid who had been told not to touch the hot stove because I could be burned but did anyway. Halfway down the hallway he turned around and grabbed my neck. He pulled my lips up to his and I felt the power of his muscles and his kiss. It was enough to make me melt inside. When he pulled away, I asked: "So, what do you think?"
He smiled and said, "That was even better than the first time. But i don't know if we can do this. I leave in a few weeks."
"Well we can spend that time figuring out if this is something worth doing. That is, if you want to."
"I do, but Ben still likes you. I can't do this to him."
"Danny, I care about Ben, but I don't feel the same. If i did, I wouldn't have just kissed you. I'm not that girl."
"I don't want to hurt you."
"I'm going to get hurt anyways, but if there is pleasure before the pain, then it might be bearable. I'm not going to beg you, I'm not going to tell you what to do. I just wanted to know if you were interested or felt the same way."
Now that I had the upper hand, it was my turn to walk away. I walked past movie goers getting their tickets torn, hungry people buying popcorn and snacks. Is this really the way I wanted to leave it? All dramatic like in the hollywood movies? Right now I didn't care, I found out what I wanted to find and that was it. Things would be weird, maybe we'd acknowledge each other at the reunion but we had different lives to live. I willed the tears to wait until I was outside in the dark. Then they didn't come. It must've been a shallow feeling with no forthcoming tears. I walked out of the theatre and took a left back to the parking lot. All the scenarios ran through my head. I was back at square one with no experience, except of course the experience of being spontaneous. That's what I had told Danny I wanted to do anyway. God's calm came over me, and I began not to feel regret.
When i got to the car, i turned the lints on and just sat in the driver's seat analyzing everything that had happened. It must have been lust.
I wanted to sit until he had left so I didn't have to see him. That didn't happen. He came up to my window and knocked to get my attention. I jumped thinking it was strange for someone to do that. When i recognized Danny, I rolled down my window.
"Ye...yes?" Gosh I wish my voice sounded more confident.
"Can we talk? Outside?"
I considered saying no, but the only thing worse than knowing was the stress of analyzing all the possible answers.
"Ok."
I opened the door and leaned against it for support. In a split second, Danny had his fingers in my hair and angling my neck upward kissed me for the second time. This time his lips were soft and yet firm. All the worries in my head about how to kiss him back disappeared as our lips began to learn about each other. He pushed his body into mine against my little Subaru.
We came up for air, and he whispered something in my ear. Then the tears came.
Did we spend the rest of the summer together? Did I lose my virginity to him? Did our relationship blossom and continue through college? Did we eventually get married and parent three kids?
Only time will tell.
Maybe he won't insist on buying the tickets. Maybe he won't be so accepting. Maybe he's not interested. Maybe he cares too much about Ben, or is thinking of someone else. Maybe he'll compare me to Brittany and never be normal again. Maybe we will both be too busy to watch a movie together and we will both go on with our lives without him knowing how I feel right in this moment.
Dear God,
I pray that the series of events will come to pass. What i felt in church must mean something. I pray that Danny is the one. Please give me the strength and courage to follow through if these events come to pass and may my feelings be well received.
Thank you Lord,
Amen
When the scene is over I turn back around to face him. His eyes are searching my face, for what I have no idea. Then he asks, "What was that for?" It isn't mean or bashful, it's just full of honest curiosity.
"Danny, you're amazing. You are very ind, selfless, a little funny, and you are the most I've ever seen a guy my age been gentlemanly. When Jenna, Azzi, you and I rode that dollar coaster in Kansas, it was one of the most fun and freeing things I have ever done. I want to keep living like that, do things to try them out, experiment and see if it's good. Be spontaneous. Plus I figured you deserved a proper thank you after KC and every time before that when you were different, and made a situation better. You're a special person Danny, and you deserve special recognition."
He sat and took that in for awhile. The lights came on, and he got up to leave, grabbing the half eaten popcorn on the way out. My face flushed red from embarrassment, and i followed him lout of the theatre, but not too close. When we got out, he took a left and started walking out. I followed like a kid who had been told not to touch the hot stove because I could be burned but did anyway. Halfway down the hallway he turned around and grabbed my neck. He pulled my lips up to his and I felt the power of his muscles and his kiss. It was enough to make me melt inside. When he pulled away, I asked: "So, what do you think?"
He smiled and said, "That was even better than the first time. But i don't know if we can do this. I leave in a few weeks."
"Well we can spend that time figuring out if this is something worth doing. That is, if you want to."
"I do, but Ben still likes you. I can't do this to him."
"Danny, I care about Ben, but I don't feel the same. If i did, I wouldn't have just kissed you. I'm not that girl."
"I don't want to hurt you."
"I'm going to get hurt anyways, but if there is pleasure before the pain, then it might be bearable. I'm not going to beg you, I'm not going to tell you what to do. I just wanted to know if you were interested or felt the same way."
Now that I had the upper hand, it was my turn to walk away. I walked past movie goers getting their tickets torn, hungry people buying popcorn and snacks. Is this really the way I wanted to leave it? All dramatic like in the hollywood movies? Right now I didn't care, I found out what I wanted to find and that was it. Things would be weird, maybe we'd acknowledge each other at the reunion but we had different lives to live. I willed the tears to wait until I was outside in the dark. Then they didn't come. It must've been a shallow feeling with no forthcoming tears. I walked out of the theatre and took a left back to the parking lot. All the scenarios ran through my head. I was back at square one with no experience, except of course the experience of being spontaneous. That's what I had told Danny I wanted to do anyway. God's calm came over me, and I began not to feel regret.
When i got to the car, i turned the lints on and just sat in the driver's seat analyzing everything that had happened. It must have been lust.
I wanted to sit until he had left so I didn't have to see him. That didn't happen. He came up to my window and knocked to get my attention. I jumped thinking it was strange for someone to do that. When i recognized Danny, I rolled down my window.
"Ye...yes?" Gosh I wish my voice sounded more confident.
"Can we talk? Outside?"
I considered saying no, but the only thing worse than knowing was the stress of analyzing all the possible answers.
"Ok."
I opened the door and leaned against it for support. In a split second, Danny had his fingers in my hair and angling my neck upward kissed me for the second time. This time his lips were soft and yet firm. All the worries in my head about how to kiss him back disappeared as our lips began to learn about each other. He pushed his body into mine against my little Subaru.
We came up for air, and he whispered something in my ear. Then the tears came.
Did we spend the rest of the summer together? Did I lose my virginity to him? Did our relationship blossom and continue through college? Did we eventually get married and parent three kids?
Only time will tell.
Maybe he won't insist on buying the tickets. Maybe he won't be so accepting. Maybe he's not interested. Maybe he cares too much about Ben, or is thinking of someone else. Maybe he'll compare me to Brittany and never be normal again. Maybe we will both be too busy to watch a movie together and we will both go on with our lives without him knowing how I feel right in this moment.
Dear God,
I pray that the series of events will come to pass. What i felt in church must mean something. I pray that Danny is the one. Please give me the strength and courage to follow through if these events come to pass and may my feelings be well received.
Thank you Lord,
Amen
The Kiss
We go into the movie theatre alone. There are people around but we are both talkative and don't notice if they are awkward or if they don't fit into our little world. I spend most of the time worried about what he's thinking as I convince myself that it's stupid to do just that. We are friends, just seeing a movie because he didn't get to see on in Kansas City. He paid, although I asked if he wanted me to. It's an encouraging sign that what I'm about to do tonight will be reciprocated.
He could just be a gentleman, like he was when he gave up his seat on the airplane to a woman with a baby. Did God intend for me to see his smile at the sight of a child laughing? His complacency at her cry? I shouldn't be thinking about this, he is just a nice guy. That's it. We are just here to watch a movie. THAT'S IT.
We sit down in the back row. Not many people are showing up but that's alright. We sit and talk while we wait. I hear about his trip to California and his family, but being as he is he asks about my week. What was exciting? Anything new?
He is one of the only guys I have ever met that does this, that asks about my life after talking about his.
We quiet down as the movie starts, and eat unbuttered popcorn. My self inflicted social expectations hit me like a four by two to the face and I eat daintily even though my gut tells me that he wouldn't mind one bit if I ate like a starving animal. The movie goes on, making us laugh here and there. He pulls his water out of my bag, every moment I am conscious of his movement and my heart beats faster every time he moves even an inch closer. As the movie is winding down, my anxiety peaks.
Is it really worth the risk? What if things turn out like Jason and things are never the same? We weren't exactly friends, but I don't want to be known as another Brittany. Well, in your defense, you don't go around kissing every guy. But you did like Jason, and Ben liked you and probably still does. You know what? I don't care what he thinks, I'm going to go for it. He makes me fearless and I want to know what it's like to do something spontaneous.
Luckily the movie is one that has a secret scene at the end, and he likes to stay until the end anyway. We sit and whisper in hushed tones about how we thought the movie was. He seemed to really like it, but I couldn't get into it too much because something else was constantly in the back of my mind. Taking up every spare thought. The credits wind down and my heart can't beat any faster.
God, please let him receive this well. Or give me props for trying. Please let the feelings I felt in church last Sunday be reciprocated and not just the peak of lust.
"Danny I'm going to give you something. Close your eyes and stick out your hand, and tell me what you think."
He smiles the smile that makes the skin around his eyes crinkle into a beautiful fold and complies with my wishes. His hands lay open on his legs and his eyes are closed.
Come on Ashley, I wanna see you be brave. Just do it.
I take the note written just for him out of my pocket, lean forward gently kiss him on the lips and hand him the note. I could't decide what to write so I wrote both of the messages on it. Thank you on the side facing him and You make me fearless on the other.
Might as well say it all right now. Do or die.
My heart keeps beating and time comes to a standstill. What is he going to do?
He could just be a gentleman, like he was when he gave up his seat on the airplane to a woman with a baby. Did God intend for me to see his smile at the sight of a child laughing? His complacency at her cry? I shouldn't be thinking about this, he is just a nice guy. That's it. We are just here to watch a movie. THAT'S IT.
We sit down in the back row. Not many people are showing up but that's alright. We sit and talk while we wait. I hear about his trip to California and his family, but being as he is he asks about my week. What was exciting? Anything new?
He is one of the only guys I have ever met that does this, that asks about my life after talking about his.
We quiet down as the movie starts, and eat unbuttered popcorn. My self inflicted social expectations hit me like a four by two to the face and I eat daintily even though my gut tells me that he wouldn't mind one bit if I ate like a starving animal. The movie goes on, making us laugh here and there. He pulls his water out of my bag, every moment I am conscious of his movement and my heart beats faster every time he moves even an inch closer. As the movie is winding down, my anxiety peaks.
Is it really worth the risk? What if things turn out like Jason and things are never the same? We weren't exactly friends, but I don't want to be known as another Brittany. Well, in your defense, you don't go around kissing every guy. But you did like Jason, and Ben liked you and probably still does. You know what? I don't care what he thinks, I'm going to go for it. He makes me fearless and I want to know what it's like to do something spontaneous.
Luckily the movie is one that has a secret scene at the end, and he likes to stay until the end anyway. We sit and whisper in hushed tones about how we thought the movie was. He seemed to really like it, but I couldn't get into it too much because something else was constantly in the back of my mind. Taking up every spare thought. The credits wind down and my heart can't beat any faster.
God, please let him receive this well. Or give me props for trying. Please let the feelings I felt in church last Sunday be reciprocated and not just the peak of lust.
"Danny I'm going to give you something. Close your eyes and stick out your hand, and tell me what you think."
He smiles the smile that makes the skin around his eyes crinkle into a beautiful fold and complies with my wishes. His hands lay open on his legs and his eyes are closed.
Come on Ashley, I wanna see you be brave. Just do it.
I take the note written just for him out of my pocket, lean forward gently kiss him on the lips and hand him the note. I could't decide what to write so I wrote both of the messages on it. Thank you on the side facing him and You make me fearless on the other.
Might as well say it all right now. Do or die.
My heart keeps beating and time comes to a standstill. What is he going to do?
An Attitude of Gratitude
Today my father bought me a laptop for college. It is pretty awesome to have my own computer that I can carry anywhere and do pretty much what I want. I have seen this moment in my head for so long, me typing stories on my bed with a laptop. I must be in denial because it doesn't seem real. A haze is gathering in my head, although I'm not sure from exhaustion or excitement and denial. I want to say thank you, because I feel like I owe it to my parents. My dad told me that he and my mother had been planning on giving it to me for years. It's scary to think about that they have been planning this for that long, but I am thankful. All those years I asked for a laptop and was denied because my parents wanted to give it to me for my college journey. Thank you guys. I don't want to sound like a spoiled rich girl who gets everything she wants, because I'm not. I'm a grateful daughter who is excited for this new toy. Although you may never see this, thank you mom and dad!
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
His
His arm was around my chair the entire time. If I leaned back I could feel his strong arm and it would make my heart beat faster. When I leaned to the right I could feel his chest. I felt protected and I felt like his.
Him and his best friend kept saying f you this and he smiled. When he smiled his eyes crinkled with joy. I didn't want him to leave. I wanted him to lean closer and kiss me.
I know she liked him and "they were flirting back and forth" but he was holding me. It didn't matter that he was leaving and I was staying but that we were with each other. I wanted this. Did he want it? I didn't know. But I enjoyed it. His friend started standing up for me and giving me attention but I just wanted him.
I knew he smoked. I knew that he cussed, but his body. I could be his. I would be fine with it. I wanted to lean on and hold him but I couldn't. Both physically and socially. They teased me about it later. Did I mind? No. I got "held" for two hours.
Another man wanting me sure made my almost ex want me more too. But were just friends. Attention is always good. When my head hurt in the car he explained it to a guy pining after me all nonchalant like. It was nice. He is a gentleman. But does he know how I feel, or that I enjoyed it that much? Probably not. Oh well.
When we fought, he didn't hit my head just everyone else but his best friend did. But then he was hitting her for hitting me. It's all about him. Boy was it fun tonight. #mynewGrifspiration
Monday, June 9, 2014
Trauma Lab
BSI/Scene Safe
MOI/NOI
# of patients
Additional Resources?
Spine Stabilization
General Impression
LOC
Chief Complaint
Airway
SAMPLE History
Head
MOI/NOI
# of patients
Additional Resources?
Spine Stabilization
General Impression
LOC
Chief Complaint
Airway
- open
- insert adjunct
- LLF
- O2 Therapy
- Ventilation
- Injury
- Pulse (Carotid)
- Skin Signs
- Major Bleeding
- Shock?
SAMPLE History
Head
- DCAPBTLS
- Scalp
- Ears
- CSF
- Blood
- Battle Signs
- Eyes
- Nose
- Mouth
- Tracheal Deviation
- JVD
- Crepidus
- Inspects
- Palpates
- Auscultates
- Palpates
- Hip Squeeze
- 1%
- Inspects
- Palpates
- CMS
- Inspects
- Palpates
- CMS
- Inspects
- Palpates
- BP
- Pulse
- RR
- Treat
- How
- When
Friday, May 9, 2014
Rhett: 3
The summer is almost over. Another week or two and I should probably start school. It was always my parent's plan that I attend Brown University like my dad and all his uncles did. I never wanted to, and I don't want to now. They know what they wanted to do and I have no idea.
A letter came today, on professional letterhead wherein my parents "request that you do not return home." What kind of message is that? They couldn't call, they had to write. Was I really that much of a disappointment that I can't come home? Who do they think they are anyway? I can do just fine without them. So, now I'm stuck with a decision. What do I do now?
Things have been going really good. I've gotten into a routine here at the library. I wake up in the morning, make breakfast and then work on whatever part of the house Myles wants me to. Then I make a quick sandwich, explore a little during lunch, and keep working until 5. Then I make dinner. Afterwards I'm left to myself. There is no tv or computer here, so at first I drew. Everything I saw I copied down with graphite. Then I got bored. You can only draw so many desert landscapes.
The sign is fixed and painted a bright green with white letters on it. The house is almost finished with its paint job but I still have to work on the trim. Books are still all over the place. Myles says that the person who was supposed to work on them is taking longer to arrive than he had hoped. Everyday for a while I would trip on the same books. I just kept tripping until I finally fixed the books, and stacked them neater. At first, one of the books fell from the top of a stack and it actually looked cool, so I took it to my bedroom and decided to read it. Reading isn't actually that bad if you do it. After I finished that one, I found another one to read and I just keep finding books to read. I put the books I finish on the windowsill and now several are resting there.
If any people from my past were to see me now, they would hardly recognize me. I used to think that books were stupid. Now I can't stop reading them. I really am lucky that I work at a library now. I make minimum wage, and I work from 8-5. It's not a bad deal. I spend the weekdays at work, make deliveries on Sunday, and am free to my own devices on Saturday. I've been spending a lot of my Saturdays in town especially at Fanny's Diner. A lot of the townspeople eat there on a daily basis. The town isn't very big. There is a hardware store, an arcade, movie theatre that plays movies two years later than the big cities, a grocery store, Fanny's Diner, a school building, a small church and not much else. Most of the people are nice, but there are still some rude people.
Fanny enjoys having me over I thnk, I'm still a tourist and she likes to share gossip with me about all the other patrons. Her niece partakes and we've gotten to know each other. Gene is nice but she's too talkative for me. I wonder if it's her I don't like, or the fact she comes from the small town and loves to talk. Last night she asked me if I would go to church with her. I told her that if I got all my deliveries done then I would try. So we will see if I actually make it.
The most important thing right now is to decide what I want to do with my future. Should I stay, or should I go? Should I stay, or should I go? Should I stay, or should I go? Should I stay, or should I go? Should I stay, or should I go? Should I stay, or should I go? Should I stay, or should I go? Should I stay, or do I go...
I closed my journal and sat back. That was the ultimate decision, what do I do? I looked at the clock on the wall and got up to do deliveries.
The red truck hadn't gotten any better. It had low suspension and paint cracking on the sides. I imagined that the books could fall if I drove too crazy. I probably could in this small town and not get a ticket. Heck even in Reno id be good unless I did it in front
The most important thing right now is to decide what I want to do with my future. Should I stay, or should I go? Should I stay, or should I go? Should I stay, or should I go? Should I stay, or should I go? Should I stay, or should I go? Should I stay, or should I go? Should I stay, or should I go? Should I stay, or do I go...
I closed my journal and sat back. That was the ultimate decision, what do I do? I looked at the clock on the wall and got up to do deliveries.
The red truck hadn't gotten any better. It had low suspension and paint cracking on the sides. I imagined that the books could fall if I drove too crazy. I probably could in this small town and not get a ticket. Heck even in Reno id be good unless I did it in front
Monday, May 5, 2014
Brie: 2
"I can't do this anymore."
"Why, things are good this way. I don't have to worry about anyone finding out."
"No, but I do. What if they find out about this? They'll begin to think its suspicious me always taking long trips with no good reason to be gone."
I gave him a look that made him immediately reply, "Brie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I'm worried about you."
"Why, things are good this way. I don't have to worry about anyone finding out."
"No, but I do. What if they find out about this? They'll begin to think its suspicious me always taking long trips with no good reason to be gone."
I gave him a look that made him immediately reply, "Brie, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I'm worried about you."
"I'm just not ready. Can we wait?"
"Just for a little more."
Monday, April 21, 2014
Rhett:1
It was in the middle of the desert. A huge building three stories with round turrents and few windows. It would've been impressive if it didn't look like it was about to fall down. Even the sign "Fern County Library" was tilted and sun bleached to the point that it was difficult to read.
Why did they have to send me here of all places?
A tall grizzled man was standing on the middle step of three that led to the wrap around porch and entrance to the building. He wore a brown tweed jacket and a red vest. His long blonde hair hung just above his shoulders and I wasn't sure if it looked scholarly or stupid. He had a smirk on his face that dared me to challenge him.
The driver pulled the car to a stop. I got out and let my hand linger for just a minute against the last thing that was familiar to me. Grasping the window, I shut the door with such ferocity you would've thought that the door had done something to me. The three of us knew it wasn't the one who had.
I met the driver at the trunk and pulled my backpack out. One bag for a summer. I packed light.
"Hello, my name is Myles. I am the assistant librarian. You must be Rhett." He spoke with scholarly authority as if he had a college education going to waste here.
I nodded my head. He paused for a few seconds like he expected me to say something. I didn't.
As soon as I stepped inside I saw books. They were everywhere, including in the hallway where there was barely enough room to walk straight. The books weren't stacked straight and neat, they seemed to be randomly placed with corners sticking out everywhere. Myles stepped this way and that avoiding every corner and stepping in a pattern that made it seem like he had done this on a daily basis. He walked through the piles and stopped at the end of the hallway where there was a slightly larger space. He turned around and clasped his hands behind his back waiting for me.
Myles made it look a lot easier than it was. I tried my hardest to place my feet in the small spaces he had stepped in. After a particularly difficult step I heard a loud thump. I looked behind me to find that I had knocked over a pile of books. I looked up at Myles to see if he was mad.
His face was calm. "Just walk over them. We will fix them tomorrow."
Why did they have to send me here of all places?
A tall grizzled man was standing on the middle step of three that led to the wrap around porch and entrance to the building. He wore a brown tweed jacket and a red vest. His long blonde hair hung just above his shoulders and I wasn't sure if it looked scholarly or stupid. He had a smirk on his face that dared me to challenge him.
The driver pulled the car to a stop. I got out and let my hand linger for just a minute against the last thing that was familiar to me. Grasping the window, I shut the door with such ferocity you would've thought that the door had done something to me. The three of us knew it wasn't the one who had.
I met the driver at the trunk and pulled my backpack out. One bag for a summer. I packed light.
I slung it over my shoulder and walked up to the house. The car pulled away with a rev of the engine like he just couldn't get away from me fast enough.
"Hello, my name is Myles. I am the assistant librarian. You must be Rhett." He spoke with scholarly authority as if he had a college education going to waste here.
I nodded my head. He paused for a few seconds like he expected me to say something. I didn't.
"Ok, well now that you've seen the outside of the place, I'll show you around." He turned around and walked up to a green door with the paint peeling off in some places. He had to pull hard to separate the door from the door jam. He smiled back at me shyly. Entirely unimpresssed by the state of what I had seen so far I followed him inside.
As soon as I stepped inside I saw books. They were everywhere, including in the hallway where there was barely enough room to walk straight. The books weren't stacked straight and neat, they seemed to be randomly placed with corners sticking out everywhere. Myles stepped this way and that avoiding every corner and stepping in a pattern that made it seem like he had done this on a daily basis. He walked through the piles and stopped at the end of the hallway where there was a slightly larger space. He turned around and clasped his hands behind his back waiting for me.
Myles made it look a lot easier than it was. I tried my hardest to place my feet in the small spaces he had stepped in. After a particularly difficult step I heard a loud thump. I looked behind me to find that I had knocked over a pile of books. I looked up at Myles to see if he was mad.
His face was calm. "Just walk over them. We will fix them tomorrow."
After what seemed like forever, I finally made it to the small space without books. I hadn't been standing there for more than a second before Myles turned to the left and walked into another room.
I followed him from room to room encountering books in every spare corner of the place exceot n bookshelves. therer were spaces for them but they weren't there. When i asked him aboout it, Myles mumbled something that sounded like spring cleaning.
Wwe walked hrough thre large rooms with books everywhere. the other three rooms on the first floor was a bathroom, a large whitekitchen and a room without any mess of books in it at all. it looked like a living room of sme sort witha comfortable couch to loveseats, and a fireplace. Upstairs there was another bathroom, and three doors. He led me to the one that was open.
"This is your room." It was a small room with a double bed. The bed was made with dusty brown sheets that looked like it hadn't been used in years. There was a large window that looked down on the front drive. White walls again. Color was majorly lacking here. I put my bag next to the bed and sat down on the bed.
"You can unpack later but right now we have to go into town."
He drove a red pickup truck. A 1987 chevrolet pickup truck. How much more hick could he get? Apparently town was not just around the corner or a few miles away. It was a 30 miunte ride on the free way. We sat in silence for most of the way. He didn't tell me anything about himself or the library and I didn't tell him anything about me. The only sound I heard was the wind from the other cars.
When we pulled into town things got slightly more busy. A few people were walking around and the restaurant of the town had people sitting down eating a hamburger. We parked in the parking lot and walked inside. An average sized red head in her late 30's met us at the door.
"Well hai there Myyles, so good to see you." HEr southern accent made her words sound drawn out. "You knoww I haven't seen you here for awhile. Are you watching the books or are they watching you?" She smiled and gave him a nice welcoming hug. He smiled at her embrace.
"It's nice to see you too Bea. I can't stay for long, I just wanted to make sure that there is stiĺl a position available for my friend."
She laughed charmingly. "Why yes a course I still have that job. This isn't the she you were talkin about now was it?" She indicated, pointing to me.
"Oh no. This is Rhett, he's working with me during the summer at the library."
"Well it is so nice to meet you, honey. Now you come here anytime you hear? Even if stuffy ol Myles doesn't wanna come inta town, you just take that nice truck uh his and you drive yourself down here if you ever want some food. You have your licesnse don't ya?"
"Yeah, I've had it for a year now"
"Oh good. Then you must be near seventeen or so." I nodded. "Ooooh them town girls are gonna love you. A summer boy is always an attraction. You're such a cutie, and you look like you could break a few hearts. I just hope those girls are ready for you." She laughed.
"Fanny, don't get the boys hopes up, he'll be spending a lot of time at the library with me. Besides, some of the town girls are good at breaking hearts too."
She looked up at him with kind eyes and a sympathetic smile. "Well anyway, just let me know when you're friend can start, and we will get her acquainted with the place soon enough." A customer called her and she waved us goodbye.
We stopped at a hardware store where Myles bought a roll of chain and a padlock, and then we headed back out to the middle of nowhere in the middle of nowhere.
"How often do you go into town?" I asked him once we got on the highway.
"Oh about every month or so, not that often." A few minutes of silence followed.
"Fanny seemed nice."
"Yup. She's a gem. Nicer than most of the people in Sandy and more accepting than the rest of them." More minutes of silence.
"So what am I going to be doing at the library?"
"Well mostly handiwork. You'll be fixing the house up, making it look good, building some of the bookshelves, painting."
"What about the books?"
"I have another person coming soon, and she'll focus on organizing the books." Our conversation ended there. He wasn't much of a talker.
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