It's summer and it's hot. There's only one thing to do at a time like this: go to a water park! In Reno, there are a few water park, but nothing like Wild Island. It's right off of I-80 heading east. So before you make the plunge to Mustang or Elko, swing by.
When I was younger, I can remember thinking about the lifeguards, how fabulous their jobs must be! They get to be around the water all the time, getting a tan, yelling at us kids who were just trying to have fun. I could never do what they did. Until I became one.
The summer before my senior year in high school, I applied to the water park with my best friend to be lifeguards. The line was really long and it was hard to keep up morale, but a few hours later we finally made it in. They interviewed six of us at a time, asked us the same questions and tried to get a feel for our personalities as fast as they could. I had seen other people leaving with pieces of paper, which I assumed meant they had gotten onto the next step. I wanted one. I wanted to prove I was good enough. I liked the water enough, I wanted to help people, and after giving answers that were less than perfect, I left. Without a piece of paper. However I was overjoyed when they called me on a few nights later and said that my answers were good enough! They were impressed with me, and wanted me to be a lifeguard! Needless to say I was a little excited. I immediately wanted to train for the test.
I started the next day. After a 50 yard test, I was tired. I tried to swim 200 yards without stopping, but that didn't help. I just got cramps. Not good enough. I trained the next day, the next week and the week right before my test. I missed the test though, a little thing called Prom and the timing didn't work so I made a choice. They made theirs.
I was still in! After the test at the local college, all the guards who passed had to take a 5 day training class and pass a physical and written test. There was only one problem: procrastination.
Before class started, all the training guards had to fill out a study guide. I procrastinated on mine until the day before it was due. Time is not my forte. They were ok with that too! Man, God was giving me a lot of lucky breaks with this one.
So I went through the class, getting taught things a little differently than my First Responder class had taught but still easily. Medicine and technical things are more of a natural talent. During the class I failed at a few things, got jealous over the naturally beautiful girls with better bodies, and stood out.
Then came the dreaded physical test. I was worried that I couldn't do it. That's when my instructor whispered to me, "Our pool is a little less than 25 feet." I never knew those words could be so encouraging. I swam a 200, pushing through the pain and made it back in under 4 minutes. The other aspects of the test were easy compared to that feat, and once I had done it the rest stood in front of me like a tumbleweed. All I had to do was kick it and it was gone.
Just like I had passed my physical, I passed the written with no problem. There was a few questions I could have gotten right, instead of wrong, but I passed. Within the next few days I was a lifeguard.
My first day I swear I was going to kill someone. I was nervous to jump in the pool, I was nervous to watch the pool, heck I was nervous to go down the slides. But I made it through. I can remember saving 3 people. Although a few of them didn't need saving. I never felt like I could do it perfectly, and the peace I assumed other guards had, I just couldn't get. But the tan, I did. I got very tan.
So in hindsight, the lifeguards do a lot at Wild Island. After training, they not only have to deal with little kids, but their parents and trying to decipher the rules to make everyone happy. They have to worry about Ellis coming, constantly scanning the water, and are under scrutiny almost every moment. Then they don't get really good breaks. There's 4 hours of training to be completed a month, 8 hour work days to deal with, and a poor wage.
I loved and hated being a lifeguard. Although I'd hope the water park had taught me this lesson, I know I'll still idolize other's jobs, but at least I got to know what it was like to be a lifeguard.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Yup
Write. That's what they tell me, write like your life depends on it. Maybe, well my character's lives do depend on it. If they never get to see the light of day, its my fault. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Like Delana's perspective of the Catholic Church. For one reason that doesn't settle too good with me. It's about hope. Everything I've been taught has told me that's not true. She's wrong they say. It's about hope. Do it for your Father. I have so many ideas for the youth group, things that might help further it. Disagreements, lack of commitment. Not ok. I need to write, not procrastinate and commit.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Some Thoughts
there is a natural order to things. A way society tells us things have to be. Like recently. movies and tv shows have demonstrated that kids are the ones in control. I'll give you that when a baby first comes into the world, yes, they are the ones in control. They need to eat, and a caregiver must give them everything. But now society shows that kids and teens can just talk to their parents amy way they want, leave whenever they want and have numerous fun things to do at most given moments, not to mention the fact that the long boring moments of a life are montaged to appear fun. Its a lie, I don't think i have the moral compass that others do because I understand the logic behind it. It still bugs the crap out of me, but I get it. They do it because it works.
I've just finished the lifetime movie To Be Fat Like Me. I hate those types of movies that make me feel like I'm not doing anything. It was a great movie, a great message, but they're sending it to an 18 year old girl that hasn't accomplished what so many others have. There are my dreams of being a best selling author, of being thin, a mom, a girlfriend and eventually a wife. I try to tell myself to give it time. Well the mom thing definitely needs time, that's not happening yet. But do the rest really need time? Christopher Paolini published Eragon at 19. That's less than 6 months away. And the girlfriend thing, I've never really said yes. I have had several offers, but never made it happen. It seems that I always like the guy that just isn't ready. The wife thing is obviously waiting too. However the thin thing, its a conundrum. Do I want to be thin because I think that people will like me more because of it? I've been called cute and beautiful by so many people, most of them my parent's friends, but still. If they didn't see something, they wouldn't have said something. Do I want to be thin to wear the cutest clothes? Because I owe it to God, with being born small and the stretch marks that appear on my body, signs that I shouldn't be my size?
Ok, here are my solutions. Start eating better, learn to balance my time, volunteer, throw myself into the things that i choose. I can accomplish so much more if i do. Here's to that.
I've just finished the lifetime movie To Be Fat Like Me. I hate those types of movies that make me feel like I'm not doing anything. It was a great movie, a great message, but they're sending it to an 18 year old girl that hasn't accomplished what so many others have. There are my dreams of being a best selling author, of being thin, a mom, a girlfriend and eventually a wife. I try to tell myself to give it time. Well the mom thing definitely needs time, that's not happening yet. But do the rest really need time? Christopher Paolini published Eragon at 19. That's less than 6 months away. And the girlfriend thing, I've never really said yes. I have had several offers, but never made it happen. It seems that I always like the guy that just isn't ready. The wife thing is obviously waiting too. However the thin thing, its a conundrum. Do I want to be thin because I think that people will like me more because of it? I've been called cute and beautiful by so many people, most of them my parent's friends, but still. If they didn't see something, they wouldn't have said something. Do I want to be thin to wear the cutest clothes? Because I owe it to God, with being born small and the stretch marks that appear on my body, signs that I shouldn't be my size?
Ok, here are my solutions. Start eating better, learn to balance my time, volunteer, throw myself into the things that i choose. I can accomplish so much more if i do. Here's to that.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
The Aftermath and Reception
He opens his eyes surprised and looks down at the note. It's hard to see in the dim light, but he manages to make it out. He turns it over and reads the other side, and then looks at me. This isn't what he had expected. Just as he is about to speak, the light comes on indicating the scene is about to start, so I turn around and give my heart some time to slow down its beats.
When the scene is over I turn back around to face him. His eyes are searching my face, for what I have no idea. Then he asks, "What was that for?" It isn't mean or bashful, it's just full of honest curiosity.
"Danny, you're amazing. You are very ind, selfless, a little funny, and you are the most I've ever seen a guy my age been gentlemanly. When Jenna, Azzi, you and I rode that dollar coaster in Kansas, it was one of the most fun and freeing things I have ever done. I want to keep living like that, do things to try them out, experiment and see if it's good. Be spontaneous. Plus I figured you deserved a proper thank you after KC and every time before that when you were different, and made a situation better. You're a special person Danny, and you deserve special recognition."
He sat and took that in for awhile. The lights came on, and he got up to leave, grabbing the half eaten popcorn on the way out. My face flushed red from embarrassment, and i followed him lout of the theatre, but not too close. When we got out, he took a left and started walking out. I followed like a kid who had been told not to touch the hot stove because I could be burned but did anyway. Halfway down the hallway he turned around and grabbed my neck. He pulled my lips up to his and I felt the power of his muscles and his kiss. It was enough to make me melt inside. When he pulled away, I asked: "So, what do you think?"
He smiled and said, "That was even better than the first time. But i don't know if we can do this. I leave in a few weeks."
"Well we can spend that time figuring out if this is something worth doing. That is, if you want to."
"I do, but Ben still likes you. I can't do this to him."
"Danny, I care about Ben, but I don't feel the same. If i did, I wouldn't have just kissed you. I'm not that girl."
"I don't want to hurt you."
"I'm going to get hurt anyways, but if there is pleasure before the pain, then it might be bearable. I'm not going to beg you, I'm not going to tell you what to do. I just wanted to know if you were interested or felt the same way."
Now that I had the upper hand, it was my turn to walk away. I walked past movie goers getting their tickets torn, hungry people buying popcorn and snacks. Is this really the way I wanted to leave it? All dramatic like in the hollywood movies? Right now I didn't care, I found out what I wanted to find and that was it. Things would be weird, maybe we'd acknowledge each other at the reunion but we had different lives to live. I willed the tears to wait until I was outside in the dark. Then they didn't come. It must've been a shallow feeling with no forthcoming tears. I walked out of the theatre and took a left back to the parking lot. All the scenarios ran through my head. I was back at square one with no experience, except of course the experience of being spontaneous. That's what I had told Danny I wanted to do anyway. God's calm came over me, and I began not to feel regret.
When i got to the car, i turned the lints on and just sat in the driver's seat analyzing everything that had happened. It must have been lust.
I wanted to sit until he had left so I didn't have to see him. That didn't happen. He came up to my window and knocked to get my attention. I jumped thinking it was strange for someone to do that. When i recognized Danny, I rolled down my window.
"Ye...yes?" Gosh I wish my voice sounded more confident.
"Can we talk? Outside?"
I considered saying no, but the only thing worse than knowing was the stress of analyzing all the possible answers.
"Ok."
I opened the door and leaned against it for support. In a split second, Danny had his fingers in my hair and angling my neck upward kissed me for the second time. This time his lips were soft and yet firm. All the worries in my head about how to kiss him back disappeared as our lips began to learn about each other. He pushed his body into mine against my little Subaru.
We came up for air, and he whispered something in my ear. Then the tears came.
Did we spend the rest of the summer together? Did I lose my virginity to him? Did our relationship blossom and continue through college? Did we eventually get married and parent three kids?
Only time will tell.
Maybe he won't insist on buying the tickets. Maybe he won't be so accepting. Maybe he's not interested. Maybe he cares too much about Ben, or is thinking of someone else. Maybe he'll compare me to Brittany and never be normal again. Maybe we will both be too busy to watch a movie together and we will both go on with our lives without him knowing how I feel right in this moment.
Dear God,
I pray that the series of events will come to pass. What i felt in church must mean something. I pray that Danny is the one. Please give me the strength and courage to follow through if these events come to pass and may my feelings be well received.
Thank you Lord,
Amen
When the scene is over I turn back around to face him. His eyes are searching my face, for what I have no idea. Then he asks, "What was that for?" It isn't mean or bashful, it's just full of honest curiosity.
"Danny, you're amazing. You are very ind, selfless, a little funny, and you are the most I've ever seen a guy my age been gentlemanly. When Jenna, Azzi, you and I rode that dollar coaster in Kansas, it was one of the most fun and freeing things I have ever done. I want to keep living like that, do things to try them out, experiment and see if it's good. Be spontaneous. Plus I figured you deserved a proper thank you after KC and every time before that when you were different, and made a situation better. You're a special person Danny, and you deserve special recognition."
He sat and took that in for awhile. The lights came on, and he got up to leave, grabbing the half eaten popcorn on the way out. My face flushed red from embarrassment, and i followed him lout of the theatre, but not too close. When we got out, he took a left and started walking out. I followed like a kid who had been told not to touch the hot stove because I could be burned but did anyway. Halfway down the hallway he turned around and grabbed my neck. He pulled my lips up to his and I felt the power of his muscles and his kiss. It was enough to make me melt inside. When he pulled away, I asked: "So, what do you think?"
He smiled and said, "That was even better than the first time. But i don't know if we can do this. I leave in a few weeks."
"Well we can spend that time figuring out if this is something worth doing. That is, if you want to."
"I do, but Ben still likes you. I can't do this to him."
"Danny, I care about Ben, but I don't feel the same. If i did, I wouldn't have just kissed you. I'm not that girl."
"I don't want to hurt you."
"I'm going to get hurt anyways, but if there is pleasure before the pain, then it might be bearable. I'm not going to beg you, I'm not going to tell you what to do. I just wanted to know if you were interested or felt the same way."
Now that I had the upper hand, it was my turn to walk away. I walked past movie goers getting their tickets torn, hungry people buying popcorn and snacks. Is this really the way I wanted to leave it? All dramatic like in the hollywood movies? Right now I didn't care, I found out what I wanted to find and that was it. Things would be weird, maybe we'd acknowledge each other at the reunion but we had different lives to live. I willed the tears to wait until I was outside in the dark. Then they didn't come. It must've been a shallow feeling with no forthcoming tears. I walked out of the theatre and took a left back to the parking lot. All the scenarios ran through my head. I was back at square one with no experience, except of course the experience of being spontaneous. That's what I had told Danny I wanted to do anyway. God's calm came over me, and I began not to feel regret.
When i got to the car, i turned the lints on and just sat in the driver's seat analyzing everything that had happened. It must have been lust.
I wanted to sit until he had left so I didn't have to see him. That didn't happen. He came up to my window and knocked to get my attention. I jumped thinking it was strange for someone to do that. When i recognized Danny, I rolled down my window.
"Ye...yes?" Gosh I wish my voice sounded more confident.
"Can we talk? Outside?"
I considered saying no, but the only thing worse than knowing was the stress of analyzing all the possible answers.
"Ok."
I opened the door and leaned against it for support. In a split second, Danny had his fingers in my hair and angling my neck upward kissed me for the second time. This time his lips were soft and yet firm. All the worries in my head about how to kiss him back disappeared as our lips began to learn about each other. He pushed his body into mine against my little Subaru.
We came up for air, and he whispered something in my ear. Then the tears came.
Did we spend the rest of the summer together? Did I lose my virginity to him? Did our relationship blossom and continue through college? Did we eventually get married and parent three kids?
Only time will tell.
Maybe he won't insist on buying the tickets. Maybe he won't be so accepting. Maybe he's not interested. Maybe he cares too much about Ben, or is thinking of someone else. Maybe he'll compare me to Brittany and never be normal again. Maybe we will both be too busy to watch a movie together and we will both go on with our lives without him knowing how I feel right in this moment.
Dear God,
I pray that the series of events will come to pass. What i felt in church must mean something. I pray that Danny is the one. Please give me the strength and courage to follow through if these events come to pass and may my feelings be well received.
Thank you Lord,
Amen
The Kiss
We go into the movie theatre alone. There are people around but we are both talkative and don't notice if they are awkward or if they don't fit into our little world. I spend most of the time worried about what he's thinking as I convince myself that it's stupid to do just that. We are friends, just seeing a movie because he didn't get to see on in Kansas City. He paid, although I asked if he wanted me to. It's an encouraging sign that what I'm about to do tonight will be reciprocated.
He could just be a gentleman, like he was when he gave up his seat on the airplane to a woman with a baby. Did God intend for me to see his smile at the sight of a child laughing? His complacency at her cry? I shouldn't be thinking about this, he is just a nice guy. That's it. We are just here to watch a movie. THAT'S IT.
We sit down in the back row. Not many people are showing up but that's alright. We sit and talk while we wait. I hear about his trip to California and his family, but being as he is he asks about my week. What was exciting? Anything new?
He is one of the only guys I have ever met that does this, that asks about my life after talking about his.
We quiet down as the movie starts, and eat unbuttered popcorn. My self inflicted social expectations hit me like a four by two to the face and I eat daintily even though my gut tells me that he wouldn't mind one bit if I ate like a starving animal. The movie goes on, making us laugh here and there. He pulls his water out of my bag, every moment I am conscious of his movement and my heart beats faster every time he moves even an inch closer. As the movie is winding down, my anxiety peaks.
Is it really worth the risk? What if things turn out like Jason and things are never the same? We weren't exactly friends, but I don't want to be known as another Brittany. Well, in your defense, you don't go around kissing every guy. But you did like Jason, and Ben liked you and probably still does. You know what? I don't care what he thinks, I'm going to go for it. He makes me fearless and I want to know what it's like to do something spontaneous.
Luckily the movie is one that has a secret scene at the end, and he likes to stay until the end anyway. We sit and whisper in hushed tones about how we thought the movie was. He seemed to really like it, but I couldn't get into it too much because something else was constantly in the back of my mind. Taking up every spare thought. The credits wind down and my heart can't beat any faster.
God, please let him receive this well. Or give me props for trying. Please let the feelings I felt in church last Sunday be reciprocated and not just the peak of lust.
"Danny I'm going to give you something. Close your eyes and stick out your hand, and tell me what you think."
He smiles the smile that makes the skin around his eyes crinkle into a beautiful fold and complies with my wishes. His hands lay open on his legs and his eyes are closed.
Come on Ashley, I wanna see you be brave. Just do it.
I take the note written just for him out of my pocket, lean forward gently kiss him on the lips and hand him the note. I could't decide what to write so I wrote both of the messages on it. Thank you on the side facing him and You make me fearless on the other.
Might as well say it all right now. Do or die.
My heart keeps beating and time comes to a standstill. What is he going to do?
He could just be a gentleman, like he was when he gave up his seat on the airplane to a woman with a baby. Did God intend for me to see his smile at the sight of a child laughing? His complacency at her cry? I shouldn't be thinking about this, he is just a nice guy. That's it. We are just here to watch a movie. THAT'S IT.
We sit down in the back row. Not many people are showing up but that's alright. We sit and talk while we wait. I hear about his trip to California and his family, but being as he is he asks about my week. What was exciting? Anything new?
He is one of the only guys I have ever met that does this, that asks about my life after talking about his.
We quiet down as the movie starts, and eat unbuttered popcorn. My self inflicted social expectations hit me like a four by two to the face and I eat daintily even though my gut tells me that he wouldn't mind one bit if I ate like a starving animal. The movie goes on, making us laugh here and there. He pulls his water out of my bag, every moment I am conscious of his movement and my heart beats faster every time he moves even an inch closer. As the movie is winding down, my anxiety peaks.
Is it really worth the risk? What if things turn out like Jason and things are never the same? We weren't exactly friends, but I don't want to be known as another Brittany. Well, in your defense, you don't go around kissing every guy. But you did like Jason, and Ben liked you and probably still does. You know what? I don't care what he thinks, I'm going to go for it. He makes me fearless and I want to know what it's like to do something spontaneous.
Luckily the movie is one that has a secret scene at the end, and he likes to stay until the end anyway. We sit and whisper in hushed tones about how we thought the movie was. He seemed to really like it, but I couldn't get into it too much because something else was constantly in the back of my mind. Taking up every spare thought. The credits wind down and my heart can't beat any faster.
God, please let him receive this well. Or give me props for trying. Please let the feelings I felt in church last Sunday be reciprocated and not just the peak of lust.
"Danny I'm going to give you something. Close your eyes and stick out your hand, and tell me what you think."
He smiles the smile that makes the skin around his eyes crinkle into a beautiful fold and complies with my wishes. His hands lay open on his legs and his eyes are closed.
Come on Ashley, I wanna see you be brave. Just do it.
I take the note written just for him out of my pocket, lean forward gently kiss him on the lips and hand him the note. I could't decide what to write so I wrote both of the messages on it. Thank you on the side facing him and You make me fearless on the other.
Might as well say it all right now. Do or die.
My heart keeps beating and time comes to a standstill. What is he going to do?
An Attitude of Gratitude
Today my father bought me a laptop for college. It is pretty awesome to have my own computer that I can carry anywhere and do pretty much what I want. I have seen this moment in my head for so long, me typing stories on my bed with a laptop. I must be in denial because it doesn't seem real. A haze is gathering in my head, although I'm not sure from exhaustion or excitement and denial. I want to say thank you, because I feel like I owe it to my parents. My dad told me that he and my mother had been planning on giving it to me for years. It's scary to think about that they have been planning this for that long, but I am thankful. All those years I asked for a laptop and was denied because my parents wanted to give it to me for my college journey. Thank you guys. I don't want to sound like a spoiled rich girl who gets everything she wants, because I'm not. I'm a grateful daughter who is excited for this new toy. Although you may never see this, thank you mom and dad!
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