Dear Danny,

I thought about not doing this. Really it would be a lot easier to sit and do nothing, just wonder and daydream, but it wouldn't accomplish anything. And if I have learned anything this summer, I don't want to be the person who does nothing. So I am doing this. I have to warn you, I am not the best at expressing my emotions out loud. It makes me feel vulnerable and afraid that the other person doesn't feel the same.  Being vulnerable isn't something I am particularly good at. Too many times have I walked down that road only to be denied and hurt. In the end I guess some people would describe me as cold, but that's not true. Danny, I want to be honest with you and let you know how I feel. I know how important honesty is to you, so here goes everything. I want to start at the beginning.

For four years we had gone to school together, each with different friends and classes. I always thought you were really kind and gentlemanly. I respected you and wanted to find someone like you one day. We had a few conversations but never really talked, never really got to know each other. Then you rejoined the OCC team and I got to know you a little bit better. You were still kind, but now I learned that you were funny, optimistic, and tolerant, putting other's needs in front of your own. When we went to Kansas City, I started to feel attracted to you. Opening Ceremony and that entire day was really fun.  Watching you interact with Jason was intriguing and I hoped to get to know you even more. That night I started to feel something, I don't know what, but something. I hoped that the rest of the trip would be like that, full of fun and excitement. It wasn't but that was ok.

When we got back, I felt that you had been disenfranchised somehow. Maybe it was a voice in the back of my head or something else, but I remember that you didn't get to see Transformers and I felt bad that everyone had turned down your idea. So I thought I would ask if you wanted to see it, I figured we could get a group together and chill. However that didn't happen. Instead you and I met up after you got back from California. I guess I had expected something quiet and something acquaintances did like getting a fast food dinner or something along those lines. When you texted me, I was excited but nervous about what to do, and running off of my earlier assumption I didn't do much prep work. I was certainly surprised that you had a back up plan. The Chocolate Bar was great. The fondue and the conversation. A few times I was scared that I was going to say something that would make you think I was weird and take me straight to the gas station. You never gave me the impression that happened. In fact it seemed like you were having a good time, I may just be assuming. For all I know you could have been putting on a nice face.

There was something about driving down the freeway with you that didn't make me nervous. In fact it was thrilling not knowing the destination, and being driven by a guy like you. Because of you I can now say that I snuck into a house. I never thought that would happen, much like something else that happened that night. As we lay on those boards, the conversation reached topics that I had not talked about so honestly and open with my best friend. You probably don't know it, but most of the time I was resisting the urge to curl next to you and rest my head on your arm. Right then, I couldn't do that. We hardly knew each other and I don't just jump to conclusions about how people feel. I didn't think that you would find that behavior appropriate to the situation, so I stayed on my side. I can't quite pinpoint the moment that I felt you were going to kiss me, but I know it happened while we were still at the house. There's a funny thing: wishful thinking. Perhaps the next time you want to talk, I'll tell you a secret about wishful thinking. Anyway, that feeling just got stronger as we headed back to the gas station. The questions about kissing may have helped point me to that direction, but it didn't cross my mind that you actually would kiss me. In fact I tried to avoid any miscommunication that entire night. I may have been a little flirty but I tried to keep my voice as friendly as possible. I didn't know what you thought of me and I didn't want to rush to any assumptions. So now we get to the meat of it: the kiss.

I guess when we pulled up to Maverik, your actions right there and then would tell me what you thought. You leaned forward, and I did the only thing that came to my mind. I know. I could be making a big deal out of something that meant nothing to you, but it meant something to me, I just didn't know what. When I thought about it, I came to a few logical conclusions:

1. I had been the one to pull away, so you must have been enjoying it, or else you would have pulled away.
OR
2. You were trying to do me a favor, and liven up a moment of my life so I wouldn't be so pathetic sounding when I told my kids about my summer after high school.
OR
3. You wanted to kiss me, and might be interested in me.
OR
4. It didn't mean anything to you, you just wanted to see if I would go that far with you.

Yes, there were four different ideas about that kiss that with all my over analyzing I had come up with. The truth was, on my drive home, my mouth was agape. You had kissed me. I couldn't believe it, the most attractive guy in school had kissed me. I never saw myself as that lucky girl, but you changed that. I hate to admit it, but honestly, I couldn't get it out of my mind. I wanted to know why: why had you kissed me? What was your motivation? Were you interested in me? Were you just using me? I had no way of knowing, but I hoped that you had good intentions. I spent the next week constantly thinking of it. (I don't mean to sound obsessive, but I have a need to mull ideas over in my head until I can make sense of them.) That week I also had a dream. You and I were both in it and I woke up feeling destroyed and sad. Needless to say, I looked forward to getting cell service. In my hopelessly romantic mindset, I hoped to see a text from you saying that you wanted to hang out. My logical and pessimist side of my brain told me that you didn't want to hang out again, and that you weren't going to text. When you didn't, I was slightly disappointed, but I also knew that it probably meant nothing to you, and you could be doing whatever you wanted with whoever you wanted without thinking about me at all. I was ok with that. You didn't owe me anything. Nor do you now.

Yet I felt a need to know how you felt. I convinced myself that I needed to know why, and I needed to know if I was a good kisser or a mediocre kisser. The first time I had kissed someone like that, I really like him and a few hours after it happened, he started apologizing. Horrible theories ran through my head and at that time I assumed that I had done something wrong. He never said why he was sorry, and I was left assuming the worst. Nobody knows how much I had been hurt; and the uncertainty still hurts and makes me insecure about kissing like that today. But I am not as insecure as I once was. You probably didn't need to know about my total embarrassment but it does give some background information to my motivation.

I felt pressure to hang out with you again. I needed to know. I had planned on talking to you that Friday, but I was afraid that you didn't want to. I'm ashamed to admit that I had expected you to text and confirm our meeting again. It's stupid but by pride and a stroke of luck, I had other plans. Then we rescheduled. I hated bothering you, I hate bothering anyone. But I assumed that if you didn't want to meet you would say that you were busy or make up an excuse. You didn't.

That brings us to the Marina and talking on the beach. Last time we had gotten together, I felt that I learned a lot about you; this time I felt like I did more talking than listening. We only talked for about an hour before we parted ways, but it was nice to talk to you again. You have made me think of other perspectives, and it seemed that you were very perceptive, especially about the subtle things. There was one subtle thing that I'm not sure if you picked up on.

That "dangerous fun" guy I mentioned was you. It was a trip talking to you about you. I wonder if you knew about that? I guess I mentioned it to try to get a grasp on your feelings. There were a few times I thought I was getting close to the heart of it, but it was like trying to catch smoke. Just as soon as I thought I had figured it out, it changed. There is one thing that I am certain about. The way the sun was shining on your face made you look amazing. Light danced off of your eyelashes and lit up your face. The same feeling I had about curling up to you on the baseboards in Sommerset returned, this time it told me to brush a quick kiss on your lips. I wrestled with that idea over and over in my head. Would you like it? Or did you want to just stay friendly? I opted for the latter, again not jumping without reassurance that there would be something to catch me. While I was wrestling with that idea, I also looked for places in the conversation to talk about the kiss. You didn't bring anything up, and I took that as a cue that it was nothing, so I didn't either. Again I was scared to mention it. The conversation was great and went to things I couldn't have guessed. When we got up to leave, I want you to know that I told you that you didn't have to because you didn't owe me anything, not because I didn't want you to. I don't want you to think that I wasn't interested, I'm just independent and used to taking care of myself. I wished you had walked me to my car though.

When I left I felt secure. I was fine with not knowing. I was fine not asking you those questions and just going on with my life. Everything was fine until Saturday night. I couldn't sleep for two hours, I was busy thinking about you. My grandmother once said that if you are thinking about someone and you can't get them out of your head, do something about it. I couldn't really do anything then, but I'm choosing to do something now. That's why I wrote you this. Writing always makes me feel better, clears my mind I guess. So I laid everything out for you.

You are going to Boston. I'm staying here. Neither of us believes that long distance relationships are worth it. You said that it's no good because you can't touch or hold or kiss. I want to be held, touched and kissed. You are going to achieve your dreams and meet amazing people. I'll be here, working on the same thing. I don't know how you feel about me. Was us hanging out a one time thing? Do you want to be my friend? Do you think there could be something more?

This could have been stupid, writing you about all this, especially when I don't know how you feel. If you don't ever want to see me again, I understand. It may seem like a waste to you to have written this, but if that is your mindset than I did this for me.

If you want to be friends or acquaintances then we can go on like nothing ever happened. The way we did when we went to see Guardians of the Galaxy. I'll see you at the reunion and that will be that.

Then there's always the option that you wanted to be more, but couldn't with the time constraint. Here's my proposal. If we see each other again, and neither of us are married or engaged, then maybe we can pursue this. See if we are compatible and enjoy each other's company.  I don't want you to think of this as a love letter, because it's not. I meant it more as a open line of communication. Now you know how I felt, and you are free to do with it what you want. Don't put off anything in your life because of this letter. Do the things you want, and have no regrets. That is one thing you taught me, so stick to your own advice in that regard. I don't want this to change anything. If you wish, think of it as a SAVE THE DATE letter. That is if you were interested in seeing me again. If that's the case than I can't wait to share the secrets not told and get the answers that I longed for. We can't do anything about it now, but if we were meant to pursue this, there will be a time that we will pick up from where we left off.

In all honesty, I don't know how I feel towards you. I can't rush into things. It takes time for me to learn if I can get along with a person, like them, or if I can learn to love them. I want you to know that it took a lot to write this and be as honest as I could with you. It would be nice to know how you feel, but I am ok not knowing. I can go on with my life. Part of me thinks that you did feel something beyond friendship. You were quiet in the relationship regard. I think you might have been quiet trying to figure out if I was into you. In my experience, guys wait for a cue from the girl to determine whether or not to pursue them. Well if that's what you were waiting on, this is your cue. Now it's your turn to do something about it. It would be really interesting to hear what you have to say about all of this. If you don't want to react, and you end up saying nothing, then do it. Respond to this with honesty. Laugh if you must, call me a hopeless romantic, or pathetic but know that this didn't come from an obsessive place. This came from my heart.

I wish you the best with your journey. May you achieve all your dreams and live a happy life. If we are destined to see each other again, then we will. If not, it was great to know a part of you Danny. You played a pivotal part in my life. If that is all you were meant to play, than I thank you. Regardless of how our stories unfold, you are still kind, funny, gentlemanly and a man to follow.

Until next time, or never again,
Ashley

Can't Sleep

So tonight, I am unsettled. I am thinking all sorts of thoughts. Ok, so let's start with Danny.

I want to know why he kissed me. I know that he just wants to have fun, but was he doing it because he was interested in me, or was he just trying to do me a favor? Worse off, was he doing it to give Ben advice about how to get with me? I feel like he wouldn't do that. But I don't really know him that well. I know that he and Jason pushed Ben on me and I DON'T LIKE HIM! If he asked, I would try to find a nice way of saying it, but he doesn't. He's just subtle, and I don't want to be all rude and say, "Oh yeah Ben, I really don't like you. Stop being so clingy. Nothing you say is going to make me like you in the way you like me." I can't do that.

I want to hang out with Danny, I had such a fun time last time but I don't want to bother him. The other day I canceled our plans because he hadn't texted me and I didn't think he wanted to hang out. I felt empowered but then he broke that up by being nice. I invited him to go to the movies but he just got back from hanging with his sister. I understand that. I don't want to be a bother to him. Really. I don't want him to think that I'm clingy and obsessive. I just want to know if he saw a future for us. Do I text him, and make plans again? Do I call him on Tuesday night and talk to him? Do I wait for him to talk to me? I'm persistent in things that I want and can achieve. He's leaving for Boston. I shouldn't waste his time. But what if I'm not wasting his time? What if he liked hanging? Maybe he'd say something. He hasn't. Do I wait 10 years for the class reunion to ask him about the kiss? I go back and forth on this. Maybe he and i will both be married. I didn't feel anything. Is it really worth it? I could ruin the strange acquaintanceship that we have. God I don't know what to do. Society tells us that regrets no one should live with. I don't know where you stand on that.

This is stupid. Much bigger problems than my love life. Cale I don't know what to do about. He made me laugh a lot but he's a year younger than me, and he's not attractive. At least not the way I think he should be. Who knows what could've been. I keep seeing this image in my head of Danny and I talking, but I know he likes to have sex with other girls. I can see him leaning over and reassuring me that he really did like me. He grabs me around my neck and plants his lips on mine. I go in and we end up on top of each other. "This is why I didn't want to get this involved. You don't want this, and I wish there was more time to do it but there isn't and we can't. I've never met anyone like you Ashley."

He moves off of me and I sit looking towards the apartments. "But at least now we know. Interesting how we never did anything about it before."

Who am i kidding? Why would he be interested in me? I'm not that fit, I'm judgmental and I don't like to try new things. He can have nearly any girl he wants. He has a great body, and a great future. I'm a strong, independent woman who makes my own way. I am good enough for him. He was the cutest guy in school and he kissed me. He came towards me. He initiated it.

I looked forward to our Friday plans for weeks. I got all excited but then I let them pass because of my pride. Maybe he wanted to hang out and I ruined it.

Ok game-plan: I'll call him on Tuesday see what he's doing if he's in the mood to argue. If he can't meet then I'll talk to him on the phone. I'll learn why he kissed me and what he thought. Hopefully we can hang out, but I see more of a phone call conversation. Then I'll be completely honest with him if he asks something.

Lord,
I know you love me. Please look over me this next week. Help me to meet up with Danny. I pray that he feels something. Let him think of me as more of a friend, or an acquaintance. I'm sorry Lord, but that's most of what I can think about. Please let the actions that I described in regards to him leaning over to me and kissing me again. Amen.