Can't Sleep

So tonight, I am unsettled. I am thinking all sorts of thoughts. Ok, so let's start with Danny.

I want to know why he kissed me. I know that he just wants to have fun, but was he doing it because he was interested in me, or was he just trying to do me a favor? Worse off, was he doing it to give Ben advice about how to get with me? I feel like he wouldn't do that. But I don't really know him that well. I know that he and Jason pushed Ben on me and I DON'T LIKE HIM! If he asked, I would try to find a nice way of saying it, but he doesn't. He's just subtle, and I don't want to be all rude and say, "Oh yeah Ben, I really don't like you. Stop being so clingy. Nothing you say is going to make me like you in the way you like me." I can't do that.

I want to hang out with Danny, I had such a fun time last time but I don't want to bother him. The other day I canceled our plans because he hadn't texted me and I didn't think he wanted to hang out. I felt empowered but then he broke that up by being nice. I invited him to go to the movies but he just got back from hanging with his sister. I understand that. I don't want to be a bother to him. Really. I don't want him to think that I'm clingy and obsessive. I just want to know if he saw a future for us. Do I text him, and make plans again? Do I call him on Tuesday night and talk to him? Do I wait for him to talk to me? I'm persistent in things that I want and can achieve. He's leaving for Boston. I shouldn't waste his time. But what if I'm not wasting his time? What if he liked hanging? Maybe he'd say something. He hasn't. Do I wait 10 years for the class reunion to ask him about the kiss? I go back and forth on this. Maybe he and i will both be married. I didn't feel anything. Is it really worth it? I could ruin the strange acquaintanceship that we have. God I don't know what to do. Society tells us that regrets no one should live with. I don't know where you stand on that.

This is stupid. Much bigger problems than my love life. Cale I don't know what to do about. He made me laugh a lot but he's a year younger than me, and he's not attractive. At least not the way I think he should be. Who knows what could've been. I keep seeing this image in my head of Danny and I talking, but I know he likes to have sex with other girls. I can see him leaning over and reassuring me that he really did like me. He grabs me around my neck and plants his lips on mine. I go in and we end up on top of each other. "This is why I didn't want to get this involved. You don't want this, and I wish there was more time to do it but there isn't and we can't. I've never met anyone like you Ashley."

He moves off of me and I sit looking towards the apartments. "But at least now we know. Interesting how we never did anything about it before."

Who am i kidding? Why would he be interested in me? I'm not that fit, I'm judgmental and I don't like to try new things. He can have nearly any girl he wants. He has a great body, and a great future. I'm a strong, independent woman who makes my own way. I am good enough for him. He was the cutest guy in school and he kissed me. He came towards me. He initiated it.

I looked forward to our Friday plans for weeks. I got all excited but then I let them pass because of my pride. Maybe he wanted to hang out and I ruined it.

Ok game-plan: I'll call him on Tuesday see what he's doing if he's in the mood to argue. If he can't meet then I'll talk to him on the phone. I'll learn why he kissed me and what he thought. Hopefully we can hang out, but I see more of a phone call conversation. Then I'll be completely honest with him if he asks something.

Lord,
I know you love me. Please look over me this next week. Help me to meet up with Danny. I pray that he feels something. Let him think of me as more of a friend, or an acquaintance. I'm sorry Lord, but that's most of what I can think about. Please let the actions that I described in regards to him leaning over to me and kissing me again. Amen.