The Truth

There is a silence that I appreciate. In this moment, right here I am content. My day is confusing and I am lazy which doesn't help. There are three things I know for certain:

1. I have feelings for Danny Aguirre. As stupid as it may seem. He and I are different people. He is afraid of commitment, was Mr. High School Popular Jock in a school of nerds and likes to have sex. A lot of sex. I on the other hand was the feel good Catholic friend, and a virgin at that. I didn't intend for him to kiss me. I never imagined that we were on the same level. In high school it is all about ranking. He was above me on the social ladder and I was ok with that. When asked if I liked him, I said that he was like a brother to me, a hot sexy brother with a killer personality, but still my brother. I am afraid to admit that I still have feelings for him, or that I got them at all. I am all about control. I like to control my emotions so I can best react to the situation. By admitting that I have feelings for Danny I relinquish my control. I already feel bad about telling Ben that we kissed. If I told him or he found out I still had feelings for Danny he would probably be broken hearted. To any sane person who had a variety of relationship experience the fact that I have feelings for a guy that kissed me is silly. I mean nothing went beyond that, yet the more I gather the more I am confused about it. Ben relayed to me that whenever my name was brought up Danny was quiet. Why? More than anything I wish he was still trying to figure out if he had feelings for me. The logic speaks louder in its insistence that it was his way of being nice to Ben. The counter argument is simply if he wanted to be nice to Ben, why did he try to kiss me? Because he wanted to see if I was emotionally dead inside.  Nope, that's not it. Damn, I wish we were closer so he would just say something. I like the idea of being Danny's girl. Although I feel that to get to that point I need to lose a little weight I still think we would be an interesting couple. He's hurt. Or at least that was Ben tells me, and secondary information is all about perspective.

2. I'm living in a fantasy. I imagine Danny wrapping his arm around me while we lie down on the couch, him playing with my hair and constantly desiring a touch. I can be like that. I can do that, at least with the right person. I don't do my homework and use the excuse that I'm busy but the truth is I have no desire to do it. I hoped it was going to be like high school where I could just swing by, but it's not. I don't want to go to college right now. I want to work as an AEMT at REMSA and work on my writing. It's the only thing that makes sense. Will I feel like a failure, nope! AEMT's get respect and I think that's what I've been searching for, well that and a Mexican boyfriend.

3. As much as I stress about the present, I'm afraid of the future. Will I get an AEMT position after graduation? Will the position still be open when I'm done? Will they want me? AEMT will teach me confidence, and will help me become the person I am meant to be. Will Danny come back and be interested? He's no doubt meeting girls that he finds attractive and interesting and having sex on his way to becoming a psychologist. Does he think about me? Probably when I send the occasional text. Perhaps his interest could peak when he comes back to Reno after college. He could see the person I've become and fall in love with her. He would pick up right where we left off with a kiss after our first encounter. The assurance of this blog magic is incredible. It gives me some comfort that while I am becoming a famous published author I have this and thoughts of him to come back to. Am I crazy? Of course, but only crazy people write stories that everyone will love.